Chapter 2

I sneezed hard at home, wondering if someone was gossiping about me.

Pretty boys. As soon as that phrase was mentioned, Aldus's smile deepened.

He ran his fingers over his face, thinking, 'Seriously, who in Bellefont fits that description better than me?'

"Is she... falling for this me?" Aldus drawled, his voice laced with that smug, punchable confidence.

"What?" Theoden was thunderstruck. "Uncle Aldus! You can't just compete with your own nephew! She's meant to be my wife!"

"I never said I was going to steal her away," Aldus replied, tossing the cat aside and straightening up. "But since she's into that type... Theoden, honestly, you're a bit too masculine right now."

Aldus deliberately looked Theoden up and down, noting the more defined features from all that training, and those breakouts on his forehead.

"Especially those pimples from all that excess testosterone. They're totally messing up your pretty-boy vibe," Aldus teased.

"So what am I supposed to do?" Theoden blurted out, practically stomping his feet in frustration.

Aldus's eyes sparkled with mischief as he came up with a devilish trick.

Aldus said, "You know, 'pretty boys.' Basically, you gotta be more feminine. Men are only so rugged because, well... they've got way too much masculine energy.

"Just think about it. The servants in the palace, right? Their skin's baby-smooth, not a single pimple anywhere."

Theoden froze, totally stunned.

He pictured a maid's face, always smooth as glass, not a blemish in sight. He then remembered that servants in the Crownfall Palace gardens, with their voices so shrill and their pinkies always raised in that delicate pose.

"Yeah... I guess that's true," Theoden muttered.

"So," Aldus coaxed, sounding just like the big bad wolf tempting Little Red Riding Hood into his lair.

He said, "If you really want to become beautiful and fit Aveline's ideal type... shouldn't you tackle the problem right at its root?"

"The root?!" Theoden yelped, eyes wide as saucers. He instinctively clapped both hands over his manhood.

"Uncle Aldus, you don't mean..." Theoden stammered, voice quivering.

"I didn't say a thing," Aldus replied, lifting his cup to hide the wicked grin tugging at his lips.

He continued, "But hey, it's all for love, right? If you really care about her, what's a little sacrifice?

"Back in the day, kings would start wars just for a beauty's smile. Compared to that, what you're giving up is barely worth mentioning, isn't it?"

To anyone with half a brain, Aldus's words were just a twisted way of tricking a fool into hurting himself.

But to Theoden, a boy in love with the weirdest logic ever, it was like a bolt of inspiration.

Theoden blurted out, "That's it! Why didn't I think of that? No wonder you're so gorgeous, Uncle Aldus! Wait, don't tell me you...?"

Aldus nearly spat out his drink.

"Get out!" he barked at Theoden.

Theoden headed back to the Crownfall Palace.

He didn't rush to do anything drastic. After all, he couldn't chop it off on a whim. But he did start coming up with all sorts of... bizarre schemes.

First, he started poring over some manuals for inspiration.

Next, he scrounged around in the Crownfall Palace kitchen and snagged the thinnest, sharpest blade, the one they usually used to carve up roast duck.

Every night, when the whole palace was dead silent, Theoden would sit out in the moonlight, tears streaming down his face as he stared at a portrait of me.

He'd drawn it himself, but it was really ugly. And all the while, he'd be... sharpening that knife.

The scraping sound of the blade was grating and utterly resolute.

Crispin got up in the middle of the night to pee and heard that eerie sound. He thought for sure an assassin had snuck into the palace.

Creeping closer, he found Theoden standing in the moonlight, testing the blade and mumbling to himself.

Theoden muttered, "If I just cut a little... will it make me look a bit prettier? Ugh, but it's gonna hurt so much... But for Aveline, I have to endure! Aveline loves it when I look all pretty..."

Crispin was so terrified that he wet himself. He then scrambled off in a panic to report to King Gerard. "Your Majesty! Your Majesty! Prince Theoden's gone completely nuts. He's about to cut his manhood off!"

The news spread like wildfire.

Early the next morning, even I, the soon-to-be crown princess, still lost in a sweet dream under my covers, was jolted awake by the urgent banging at our front door.

"My lady, wake up!" my maid Elowen rushed in, her face white with terror.

She said, "There are people from the palace at the door! They're demanding you come to Crownfall Palace immediately!

"Prince Theoden's up on the roof, and he says if you won't marry him, he'll... he'll neuter himself!"

I was stunned. "What the...?"

What kind of nonsense was this? Neuter himself?

Had Theoden lost his mind? Was I marrying a man or a woman now? If he really went through with it, who should I do?

I threw on my clothes and dashed outside.

As soon as I stepped out the door, I ran smack into Aldus. His face was all stormy, but he couldn't quite hide that gloating smirk.

He was up on his horse, looking all heroic and smug in the saddle. When he spotted me, he raised an eyebrow.

"Ms. Furnas, you're running so fast. Are you off to claim the body?" Aldus teased.

"Shut up!" I shot back, swinging myself up onto the horse. "Aldus! Are you going to pretend this wasn't your idea?"

"I just tossed out a couple of tips," Aldus said, looking as innocent as a lamb. "Who could've guessed Theoden would take it so literally?"