Chapter 3 · Pretty Face, Fierce Man

"Just you wait!" I shot him a fierce glare.

I snapped, "If anything happens to Theoden, my uncle will kill me! My whole family will be buried with me! You'll be partying at my grave!"

"Sounds good to me," Aldus said, shamelessly leaning in closer. "If your whole clan gets wiped out, I could always take you in. Maybe as a... bedchamber maid?"

"Get lost!" I gave his horse a sharp smack with my whip and sped off, leaving Aldus in the dust.

When I arrived at Crownfall Palace, the scene was nothing short of spectacular.

All the imperial physicians, the king, the queen, and several venerable elders were kneeling outside the main hall, prostrating themselves so fiercely that their foreheads were swollen and bruised.

"Your Highness, you mustn't harm yourself! Your body is your parents' legacy!"

"Your Highness! Think of the royal bloodline!"

"Your Highness! Please, spare yourself... don't cut off your future!"

And there he was, Theoden.

He wasn't up on the roof this time. He was sitting right on the steps, holding a shiny kitchen knife to his upper thigh. Even through his pants, the way that blade glinted made my balls ache. Not that I had any.

Theoden's eyes were all puffy from crying over those three pimples, and he looked hopeless. "Don't bother trying to stop me! Aveline's about to ditch me! What's the point of keeping this iron rod?"

He said, "She likes pretty boys. Fine, I'll give her a pretty boy! One cut and... all my problems are gone! Even my pimples will be gone!"

Did he get his head slammed in a door, or did a donkey kick him? What kind of messed-up logic is that?

Yeah, the pimples would be gone, but so would his manhood!

Uncle Gerard was so furious that his hands were shaking. "You unfilial brat! Are you trying to drive me to my grave? Aveline! Is Aveline here yet?"

"I'm here! I'm here!" I shouted, pushing through the crowd. "I'm here."

"Go talk some sense into this fool!" Uncle Gerard pointed at me. "If he actually goes through with it... you and Aldus will be buried with him!"

I flinched, my stomach dropping in fear.

I was just minding my own business, and suddenly trouble fell out of the sky and smacked me right in the face.

I took a deep breath and made my way, step by step, toward Theoden, who was sitting on the steps.

I shouted, "Theoden! Put the knife down!"

When Theoden saw me, he immediately started bawling. "Aveline! You finally came! Do you think I'm ugly now too?"

"You're not ugly at all! Those are... signs of youth!" I scrambled for something encouraging to say.

I added, "They're like... energy pimples! Seriously, it just means you're bursting with life, like the sun coming up in the morning!"

"Really?" Theoden sniffled, loosening his grip on the knife just a bit.

"Absolutely!" I seized the chance to move a few steps closer. "What I said before was just nonsense. I don't like guys who look all girly! I like... I like real men!"

"Real men?" Theoden looked confused.

"Yeah! The kind who's got muscles all over, can pick me up with one arm, walks with swagger, and at night... You know, does that thing... Just super manly!" I gestured wildly.

Theoden's eyes sparkled for a moment. But the spark faded just as quickly.

He looked down at his own twig-like frame, skinny as a rail.

He said, "Well, that's it. I'll never be a masculine man. Maybe I should go through with it. I heard Roland used to be a scrawny bookworm. But after he got snipped, he could hoist a giant cauldron with one hand..."

"That's crap! He got strong from training, not from getting snipped!" I was about to lose my mind.

I shouted, "Theoden, listen up! Put the knife down! If you even think about hurting... your manhood, I'll march straight to Aldus and marry him!"

Theoden shrieked, "No! What's so great about that sly old fox? He's just a schemer! I'm the only one who's truly innocent and loves you for real!"

"Then put the knife down and come down here!" I yelled.

Theoden paused, his hand shaking so badly the knife wobbled like a leaf.

Right then, something totally unexpected happened.

The knife was way too slippery. Or maybe Theoden's palms were just drenched in sweat.

The blade flashed for a split second. And the knife flew right out of his hand!

The knife dropped straight toward Theoden's crown jewels.

Everyone shrieked in terror. The imperial physicians shut their eyes tight. Uncle Gerard clutched his heart in shock.

Visions of my newly adult cousin, my sixty-year-old grandpa, and even our old yellow dog flashed before my eyes...

My whole clan was doomed.

In a flash, a figure swooped down from the roof. It was Aldus.

This guy might love sitting back and watching the chaos, but when the future of the kingdom and my whole clan were on the line, he actually jumped in.

A thumb ring struck the blade dead-on.

The knife veered just enough to graze the inside of Theoden's thigh, then embedded itself in the floor with a loud thunk, cleanly severing his waistband.

Theoden's pants slid right down to his ankles.

Underneath, he was rocking a pair of vivid red undergarments.

Chapter 3

"Just you wait!" I shot him a fierce glare.

I snapped, "If anything happens to Theoden, my uncle will kill me! My whole family will be buried with me! You'll be partying at my grave!"

"Sounds good to me," Aldus said, shamelessly leaning in closer. "If your whole clan gets wiped out, I could always take you in. Maybe as a... bedchamber maid?"

"Get lost!" I gave his horse a sharp smack with my whip and sped off, leaving Aldus in the dust.

When I arrived at Crownfall Palace, the scene was nothing short of spectacular.

All the imperial physicians, the king, the queen, and several venerable elders were kneeling outside the main hall, prostrating themselves so fiercely that their foreheads were swollen and bruised.

"Your Highness, you mustn't harm yourself! Your body is your parents' legacy!"

"Your Highness! Think of the royal bloodline!"

"Your Highness! Please, spare yourself... don't cut off your future!"

And there he was, Theoden.

Theoden's eyes were all puffy from crying over those three pimples, and he looked hopeless. "Don't bother trying to stop me! Aveline's about to ditch me! What's the point of keeping this iron rod?"

He said, "She likes pretty boys. Fine, I'll give her a pretty boy! One cut and... all my problems are gone! Even my pimples will be gone!"

Did he get his head slammed in a door, or did a donkey kick him? What kind of messed-up logic is that?

Yeah, the pimples would be gone, but so would his manhood!

Uncle Gerard was so furious that his hands were shaking. "You unfilial brat! Are you trying to drive me to my grave? Aveline! Is Aveline here yet?"

"I'm here! I'm here!" I shouted, pushing through the crowd. "I'm here."

"Go talk some sense into this fool!" Uncle Gerard pointed at me. "If he actually goes through with it... you and Aldus will be buried with him!"

I flinched, my stomach dropping in fear.

I was just minding my own business, and suddenly trouble fell out of the sky and smacked me right in the face.

I took a deep breath and made my way, step by step, toward Theoden, who was sitting on the steps.

I shouted, "Theoden! Put the knife down!"

When Theoden saw me, he immediately started bawling. "Aveline! You finally came! Do you think I'm ugly now too?"

"You're not ugly at all! Those are... signs of youth!" I scrambled for something encouraging to say.

I added, "They're like... energy pimples! Seriously, it just means you're bursting with life, like the sun coming up in the morning!"

"Really?" Theoden sniffled, loosening his grip on the knife just a bit.

"Absolutely!" I seized the chance to move a few steps closer. "What I said before was just nonsense. I don't like guys who look all girly! I like... I like real men!"

"Real men?" Theoden looked confused.

"Yeah! The kind who's got muscles all over, can pick me up with one arm, walks with swagger, and at night... You know, does that thing... Just super manly!" I gestured wildly.

Theoden's eyes sparkled for a moment. But the spark faded just as quickly.

He looked down at his own twig-like frame, skinny as a rail.

"That's crap! He got strong from training, not from getting snipped!" I was about to lose my mind.

I shouted, "Theoden, listen up! Put the knife down! If you even think about hurting... your manhood, I'll march straight to Aldus and marry him!"

Theoden shrieked, "No! What's so great about that sly old fox? He's just a schemer! I'm the only one who's truly innocent and loves you for real!"

"Then put the knife down and come down here!" I yelled.

Theoden paused, his hand shaking so badly the knife wobbled like a leaf.

Right then, something totally unexpected happened.

The knife was way too slippery. Or maybe Theoden's palms were just drenched in sweat.

The blade flashed for a split second. And the knife flew right out of his hand!

The knife dropped straight toward Theoden's crown jewels.

Everyone shrieked in terror. The imperial physicians shut their eyes tight. Uncle Gerard clutched his heart in shock.

Visions of my newly adult cousin, my sixty-year-old grandpa, and even our old yellow dog flashed before my eyes...

My whole clan was doomed.

In a flash, a figure swooped down from the roof. It was Aldus.

This guy might love sitting back and watching the chaos, but when the future of the kingdom and my whole clan were on the line, he actually jumped in.

A thumb ring struck the blade dead-on.

The knife veered just enough to graze the inside of Theoden's thigh, then embedded itself in the floor with a loud thunk, cleanly severing his waistband.

Theoden's pants slid right down to his ankles.

Underneath, he was rocking a pair of vivid red undergarments.