Chapter 3

Only a month left before I leave, so I started getting my stuff together.

It hit me: Jessie was everywhere in my life, no matter where I looked.

Even my closet still had one of her jackets hanging there.

I let out a self-mocking laugh.

I couldn't figure out why it took me so long to see things clearly.

I dug out my Kyrvanian conversation book and tried to catch up on what I'd missed.

After reading for a while, I ended up dozing off right there on the bed.

Ryan came back when it was barely light out.

At the sound of his footsteps, I groggily opened my eyes.

Ryan pushed open the bedroom door and just stood there in the doorway.

Maybe I was just too sleepy, but I couldn't really see him clearly.

I closed my eyes again and rolled over.

Ryan sat down on the edge of the bed, and the smell of cigarettes and booze hit my nose.

"Allison," he said.

I was somewhat annoyed, wondering why he was disturbing my sleep.

"I didn't come home last night. Why didn't you text me?" Ryan complained.

I was stunned for a moment as the sleepiness faded away.

I'd completely forgotten Ryan hadn't come home last night; he spent the night with Jessie.

All I cared about was my job and practicing Kyrvanian.

Back then, if Ryan was late getting home, I'd be blowing up his phone nonstop because I was so anxious.

I was terrified he'd do something with Jessie that we couldn't ever undo.

Whenever I managed to drag him home, we'd always end up in a shouting match, and I'd make him promise over and over that he'd never see Jessie again.

But his promises never even lasted a single day.

Ryan sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to touch my face.

He said, "I've been thinking about yesterday. I was wrong."

I turned my face away from his hand and forced a smile. I said, "It's fine, Ryan. Didn't you say you two are just friends?"

Ryan froze, his breath coming out heavier, looking at me in disbelief.

He asked, "Allison, you're upset with me, aren't you?"

"No," I replied.

I smiled at him.

I was not wasting any more energy being mad at him. I had a new life ahead of me.

Soon, I would be moving on, and he would be doing his own thing. We were done: no more crossing paths.

Ryan's expression soured, and he suddenly jumped to his feet.

He snapped, "Allison, what do you want from me? I told you I messed up yesterday!"

I just didn't get why he was so mad.

Back then, if I freaked out, I was always the one in the wrong.

But when I kept quiet, I was still the one to blame.

Wrapped in my blanket, I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes.

I said, "If you say it's your fault, then fine, it's your fault. Seriously, Ryan, go take a shower. You reek."

I covered my nose.

Ryan stood there in silence, just looking at me without saying a word.

After what felt like forever, he finally trudged out of the room, his steps heavy.

The bedroom door slammed shut behind him.

I was wide awake now, sat there, staring out at the sky in a daze.

Turns out, not loving someone felt pretty damn good.

When I got up, Ryan was still slouched on the couch, puffing away like he hadn't moved all night.

The room was thick with smoke, and I choked, coughing a few times.

"My friends and I had a get-together last night to celebrate our engagement," Ryan said, sounding kind of down.

"Oh," I said, barely reacting.

He placed the ring on the table.

He said, "This is a custom ring for you: one of a kind. A man only gets one in his whole life. Allison, I mean it. I really love you.

"So don't casually turn it down like it's nothing."

I smiled, pulled out some bread and milk from the fridge.

Once they were warm, I sat down at the table and started digging into breakfast.

I slipped on her headphones, tuning in to my Kyrvanian speaking exercises.

Ryan was talking again, but I couldn't hear him.

I didn't want to know, anyway.

After a while, he couldn't hold back anymore.

He came over, snatched my headphones off, and threw them on the floor.

I looked up and saw his shocked expression.

Ryan looked at me, clearly uneasy. He mumbled, "I don't know.

"You're not even listening to me. I'm getting really annoyed."

Back then, I was always excited to talk to him, always the one starting conversations.

But he'd just get annoyed and think I was a nuisance.

Now that I left him alone, he was the one freaking out.

"I've got a speaking test coming up at school, so I'm just listening to my Kyrvanian stuff," I said, barely looking at him.

Ryan picked up the headphones from the floor. They were cracked and didn't work anymore.

"I'll get you another pair," he said.

"Don't bother," I said, tucking the broken headphones away.

One could always buy a new pair of headphones, but some things in life just couldn't be fixed, no matter how hard one tried.

Seeing I wasn't mad, Ryan let out a sigh of relief.

He walked into the kitchen and started rummaging through the fridge.

"Jessie got wasted last night. If you have time, could you make some plain food? I'll ask her to come over and have some," he said.

I had no idea what Ryan was thinking, asking me to make food for Jessie like it was nothing.

"I have class this morning," I said flatly.

Ryan just muttered "oh" and picked up his phone. He was probably ordering delivery for Jessie, I guessed.

I grabbed my bag and headed out the door. Just as I was leaving, I heard Ryan call out from behind, "Allison, I feel awful. I haven't had breakfast."

I pretended not to hear him and walked out.