Chapter 2
Ryan and Jessie grew up together as childhood friends.
They had a whole crew who all came from the same neighborhood.
Jessie was the only girl in the group, and she was like one of the guys.
Jessie was always easygoing and bold, and no matter how much trouble she got herself into, Ryan would always be there to clean up her messes without a word of complaint.
He spoiled Jessie rotten. If she asked for the moon, he'd probably try to get it for her.
Back then, everyone just assumed Ryan and Jessie would end up together.
But then college came, and they ended up at different schools.
That was when Ryan met me.
When he showed up outside my dorm holding a bunch of roses and told me he liked me, it felt so unreal, like I was living in a dream.
I liked Ryan.
Once I became his girlfriend, I just couldn't help myself: I was totally hooked on him.
Before I even knew about Jessie, I honestly thought I was the only one on his mind.
Ryan thought he loved me.
But whenever Jessie was around, that love just fell apart.
In his heart, I was never his top priority.
Jessie just had to call, and he'd be gone in a flash, no matter where he was.
If Jessie was dealing with cramps, he'd pull an all-nighter just to be there for her.
Jessie was totally hopeless with directions. And whenever she got lost, he'd ditch work and scour the whole city for her.
He didn't even bother to hide how much he cared about Jessie, even with me standing right there.
They hid behind the "friend code," but acted more like lovers than friends.
And I was just the third wheel, the one who never got to be loved.
Between Ryan and me stood Jessie: mountains and oceans I could never cross.
*****
By the time I got home, it was already late at night.
The cut on my palm had scabbed over and didn't hurt anymore.
Ryan still wasn't back.
This house was supposed to be my and Ryan's place, but it felt like Jessie lived here, too.
Most of the photos on the walls were of her and Ryan together.
There were three cups for rinsing: one for me, one for Ryan, and one always ready for Jessie, just in case she dropped by.
On the front passenger seat of Ryan's car, there was a sticker that read: [Reserved for Jessie.]
Whenever I felt like my territory was being invaded, Ryan would always reassure me with the same line.
He would say, "Jessie's just a friend.
"You are the one I want to marry, the one I will spend my whole life with."
I was just about to take a shower when my phone buzzed.
My bestie, Iris, sent me a message. It was a screenshot from Jessie's social media.
Jessie had posted a photo of her and Ryan sitting in a bar, holding hands like a couple.
The caption read: [My best friend is about to get married, so I'm taking him out for one last wild night.]
Iris messaged me: [Allison, didn't you and Ryan get engaged today?
[So why is he still holding hands with someone else?]
Ryan was always like this.
I just couldn't bring myself to admit defeat; I'd been lying to myself.
The wind howled outside, blowing straight in and chilling my face to the bone.
My eyes burned, but not a single tear came out.
So this was what it felt like when someone's heart really died.
Iris texted: [Allison, are you really not thinking about going to Kyrvania with me?]
Last month, our school announced an opportunity for young teachers to study abroad.
Both Iris and I made the list.
The program lasted two years, and when we got back, we'd get promoted, and our salaries would double.
But I turned it down. I was afraid that if I was gone for two years, Ryan might slip away from me.
Iris said I was hopelessly in love and needed to snap out of it.
What did I even say to her back then?
I lied to her, just like I lied to myself.
I told her Jessie and Ryan were just friends, nothing more, and that I trusted Ryan. All I wanted was to settle down and live a quiet life together.
Iris texted again: [Allison, the team's heading out next month. Howard keeps asking me to convince you to go. He's always believed in you. Are you really going to throw away this opportunity just for Ryan?
[If Ryan can't even stick it out for two years, is he really worth you giving up your whole career for him?]
Reading Iris's words, my tears finally fell.
Everyone else knew it wasn't worth it, but I was still the idiot, willing to throw it all away for him.
I replied: [Okay.
[Let Howard know I'm joining the team.]
Iris spammed me with a bunch of happy emojis.
Next, she shot over a link to an online Kyrvanian class.
We'd both taken Kyrvanian as an elective, so speaking it was never a problem for either of us.
I replied: [Thanks.]
Iris texted: [Seriously, don't even mention it. Ryan was never right for you. I'm so glad you finally see that.]
After talking with Iris, it felt like a huge weight had finally been lifted off my chest.
The idea of starting over pulled me in: I couldn't wait to see what was next.
I was really glad I didn't let this chance slip away.