Chapter 2

Around that time, a drama series was hugely popular. The second male lead was just like Ryan. My roommate said, "A boyfriend like that might as well be dead. If I had a boyfriend like that, I'd break up the very next day."

I knew exactly how the problem could be solved. I just couldn't bring myself to make the cut.

Because unlike the male lead in the drama, Ryan was the same with everyone. There was never a third person between us.

I was certain he truly had nothing going on with April.

But none of that had anything to do with me anymore.

I opened my chat with Ryan. The conversation was frozen on the message I had sent five days earlier: [Why do you never care about me?]

That day, I got stung by a red ant—my foot was swollen and itchy, and the internet was full of horror stories about people going into shock. I told him, hoping he'd care, but all I got was a cold reply: [I'm not a doctor. I can't treat the blister on your foot.]

In that moment, my tears finally broke loose.

I removed him from the pinned chats, cleared our conversation history, and deleted the voice notes I had saved of him casually humming a few lines of a song for me.

Then I changed every app nickname, profile picture, and background that had anything to do with him.

The traces he had left in my life were pitifully few. When I finally threw away the watch Ryan had left me half a year earlier into the school trash pile, I took a sharp breath. There was the stench of garbage mixed with a faint smell of burning in the air. It was thick and choking.

Holding back the tears the smell had triggered, I ran to the lawn. The fresh air suddenly made the weight on my chest feel lighter. I had been an idiot. But from today on, the idiot was going to throw away the past.

I didn't block Ryan on WhatsApp. I guess I still wasn't ready to let go, still half-hoping he might ask about the accident. But he didn't. For a whole month, Ryan sent me nothing.

If I hadn't been the one always reaching out before, I guess this is how things would've always gone.

After that, I buried myself in my thesis and slowly forgot about Ryan.

When my roommate mentioned again that Ryan and April had been seen walking together at the track field, I felt nothing at all.

I even thought that if they really were together, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

*****

One night, for the first time, Ryan actually sent me a message first: [You busy?]

Just those two words made me realize that keeping his contact had been a mistake. I could already picture the look on his face when he sent it—cool, detached, with a hint of confusion.

I was certain that if I didn't reply, he wouldn't send another message. I tossed my phone aside and focused on the computer screen.

After a while, the dorm lights suddenly went out. That's when I realized—it was already past 11:30, lights-out time.

While I was washing up, my roommates chatted intermittently.

One of them said, "I just saw Ryan outside. I wonder who he's waiting for."

I thought Ryan might be waiting for me, but the thought vanished quickly. The dorm building opposite was still lit up, and I vaguely saw a figure moving in the hallway. I must have been seeing things, but I thought I saw April carrying a bouquet of flowers. I shook my head and smiled faintly.

"He's waiting for April, of course. She lives in the building right across from us," another roommate said.

I wiped the water from my face with a towel and climbed into bed. The roommate in the opposite bunk suddenly peeked her head out from behind her curtain. "Sophie, cast your vote quickly. I bet Ryan is definitely waiting for April."

I slowly drew my curtain shut. "Yeah."

"Yes! Team Ryan and April win," my roommate crowed.

Listening to their excited chatter, I smiled. Ryan, I had finally reached the last step of my withdrawal from you.

My phone screen lit up in the dark. Four unread messages showed up in the chat thread with Ryan. Three of them were from two hours ago.

[Are you free tonight?]

[I'm waiting for you downstairs.]

[Sophie, if you see this, text me back.]

I was surprised. Ryan had actually been waiting for me downstairs? It was ludicrous that he could be waiting for me while simultaneously finding time to buy April flowers.

I gently touched my chest; my heart rate was normal, showing no acceleration.

I scrolled down to the last message. I knew what it was, and in that moment, my heart started to race, my nose stung, and my eyes became teary. He had said: [You never told me how you were after you got hit the other day?]

I had been stubbornly holding out for that one line for a month. I was consumed by a restless need to know when he would finally ask. Now, I was truly ready to cut ties with Ryan forever.

I tapped his avatar, my finger steady as it hit "Delete." With the deletion came his "Good night."

But I didn't need it anymore.