Chapter 3

Time flew by. Another month passed, and Ryan had completely vanished from my life.

After my last class on Friday, my roommate and I went to a gathering a senior from our club had been enthusiastically inviting us to. "You have to come," she had said. "It's barbecue. There'll be food, drinks, music, and cute guys. You really can't miss it."

I was about to say no, but my roommate just kept pestering me. "Come on! Why not? Are you planning to stay single forever? Four years of college without even touching a guy's abs?"

I parted my lips, wanting to tell her that I had had a boyfriend during college. But she had already turned away to look for something to wear, so I let it go.

On the way, though, she asked me, "Did you have something you wanted to say to me earlier?" She scratched her head. "I was just way too excited, running around getting dressed, and totally forgot about you. So, what was it? Please, just tell me already." She shook my arm.

"It was nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I wasn't single for all four years of college," I said.

"Huh?" She stared at me, totally shocked. Then the questions came rushing in—why I was only telling them now, and who the guy was.

I smiled faintly. "I'm only telling you now because I wanted to give that relationship a proper ending. It started off so quietly, I figured it shouldn't just fade away with nobody knowing."

Her gossipy look instantly turned into one of sympathy. "Bet it was rough, huh?"

I shook my head. "It's all in the past now."

On the subway, she held my hand tightly, stealing glances at my face every now and then.

She clearly had a thousand questions but didn't dare ask. Once again, the idea of having a boyfriend who was worse than a friend took shape.

But this time, I wasn't going to carry the sadness on my own.

*****

When we arrived, I realized the gathering was much bigger than I had expected. There were probably 50 or 60 people, men and women sitting together, the smell of food drifting thickly through the air.

I was pulled aside and sat down, only to look up and see Ryan sitting directly opposite me. Next to him were April and his roommate.

He was wearing plastic gloves and stoically peeled an entire plate of shrimp, then casually pushed it toward April. They exchanged a few words I couldn't hear. April smiled coyly, Ryan offered a gentle smile in return, and the others wore expressions of blatant teasing.

I should have turned and retreated to a corner where I couldn't see them, but my body felt heavy as a sack of rocks. I couldn't stand up. I even felt a tremor in my heart.

Ryan's old explanations seemed to echo in my ears once again. "How many times do I have to say it? I don't like her. Sophie, why are you always making a fuss? Why can't you just trust me?

"I told you long ago that dating me would be difficult, but you insisted on it anyway. The one thing you shouldn't be talking to me about right now is feeling secure.

"You'd be better off finding someone else. I can't give you the sense of security you're looking for."

I couldn't stop trembling, goosebumps prickling my skin as my heart fluttered uncontrollably. No one noticed, but my roommate's delighted whispers were like a sledgehammer blow to my body.

"Ryan and April? Oh my goodness, he's peeling shrimp for her. I'm so jealous. Even though I said I was shipping them casually, that's because I know I don't look good enough for him. Seeing them so intimate, I feel like something is welling up inside me, ugh..."

I was totally spaced out. My body was frozen. I couldn't move a muscle. My past interactions with Ryan were spilling out, moment by painful moment.

"Sophie, how many times do I have to say it? I won't go to pointless gatherings," Ryan said.

"But I want my friends to know you're my boyfriend," I said.

"It's not necessary. It's enough that we know we're dating. Sophie, don't make things difficult for me," he said.

*****

He was willing to attend so-called boring gatherings with other people, yet he had never once been willing to go with me.

Sometimes, whether someone loved you or not was painfully obvious.

The wind picked up. The charcoal was poor quality, and thick white smoke rushed straight at us. I coughed hard, and my roommates scattered to avoid it.

When the smoke cleared, warmth pricked at the corners of my eyes. Coughing and curses rose all around.

None of it seemed to matter to me. I lowered my head, and for the first time, I felt a strong urge never to look up.