Chapter 1
My roommate, Diana Foster, thought she was the kindest soul alive.
She literally watched her feet when she walked, scared she might step on an ant.
Her social media bio fit her whole vibe perfectly: [The world is dirty and messy, but I choose to be kind.]
While we were cleaning the dorm, I killed a cockroach.
Everyone else cheered me on for being so brave, saying I was the fiercest of us all.
Diana lost it. She burst into tears, calling me cruel and saying karma would catch up with me.
She even demanded that I mourn the dead cockroach.
I agreed without hesitation.
Honestly, such an entertaining roommate was seriously hard to find.
If she weren't around for the next four years, who would I even mess with? Wait, no. I mean, who would I hang out with?
*****
Our dorm was aiming for the "Model Floor Award," so our dorm leader, Rachel Brown, rallied the rest of us for a deep clean.
But just as she was about to assign tasks, Diana suddenly claimed she wasn't feeling well and bailed, leaving just the three of us.
Rachel's face fell, but since Diana was "sick," she didn't say anything.
Our dorm wasn't big, but it was full of clutter, making it feel even smaller.
Diana's side was the worst.
Delivery boxes were just dumped all over the floor, greasy takeout containers piled up on top of each other, and there was a literal mountain of dirty clothes and stinky socks.
"Her corner is a disaster, and now we have to deal with it." Even Sophie Miller, usually the chillest one among us, was annoyed.
"What can we do? She's not feeling well," Rachel sighed.
We tossed the delivery boxes and takeout containers into the trash downstairs, crammed all Diana's dirty clothes and stinky socks into her closet, and when that was full, we just shoved the rest under her comforter.
Finally, the floor around Diana's desk was actually clean.
Well, the cockroaches living under all that mess got cleaned out too.
"Ah! It's a cock..." Sophie started to yell.
But before she could finish, I grabbed my textbook and whacked it without hesitation.
My roommates stared at me in shock and awe.
"Heather, you're awesome!" Sophie gasped.
"You're our hero. You're the bravest among us!" Rachel declared.
Just then, a shriek came from the doorway.
Right after we finished cleaning, Diana finally made her dramatic return, clutching her chest, like we'd just announced bad news, as she stared at us in utter heartbreak.
"You killed it?" Diana's voice trembled with outrage.
"Yep. We even sprinkled roach killer everywhere. Don't worry. We'll wipe them out for good," I said.
But instead of looking relieved, Diana looked horrified, her eyes brimming with tears, as if I hadn't killed a bug, but something way more important.
"You monsters! What did it ever do to you? It just wanted to live. Is its life not worth anything? There's plenty of room here. Couldn't you spare a little space with it? If you really couldn't stand it, you could've just guided it out. You didn't have to kill it," Diana wailed.
"How did I get stuck with roommates like you? You're all heartless killers. You're going to hell for this!" she screamed.
Our smiles faded fast.
We'd just busted our butts cleaning up her mess, and now she was yelling at us and saying we'd burn in hell.
Seriously, what kind of sense did that make?
Sophie and Rachel were fuming, their faces flushed and necks tense.
I, though, stayed totally calm.
"You know what, Diana? You're right. I really shouldn't have done that," I said, going along with it.
When Diana heard me admit "fault," her tears finally started to dry up.
"That cockroach was a living, breathing creature. By ending a life, you're doomed to be tormented by your guilty conscience every single day. You'll never have a peaceful life!" Diana wailed, milking the drama for all it was worth.
"If you have any guilt at all, you should mourn it properly. No fancy clothes, no fun, and you have to pray for it every day. Maybe, just maybe, you'll be spared from judgment." She piled on.
After her speech, Diana shot us a smug look, as if she'd just saved a soul.
"Alright," I said, not missing a beat.
*****
That night, I ordered black fabric online and found a shop to make two tiny memorial wreaths and a little framed picture of the cockroach.
And of course, I took extra care to preserve the cockroach's remains—vacuum-sealed the whole thing, guts and all, so it'd be ready for the grand mourning ceremony.
Shipping these days was seriously fast. The packages all showed up bright and early the next morning.
While Diana was out, I cut the black fabric to size and laid it out on her bed. Then, with all the solemnity of a state funeral, I placed the cockroach's body right in the center of her pillow, flanked by two tiny wreaths.
I told Sophie and Rachel that Diana was just a super compassionate girl, and she must be deeply affected by the loss. Even if we didn't get it, we should respect her feelings and play along.
Diana came back very late.
Turns out she had gone to a charity event for mosquitoes called "I'm a Mosquito, Please Love Me, Don't Kill Me."
She really was an incredibly compassionate girl.
I wouldn't kill any mosquitoes in our dorm anymore. I'd just collect them and put them inside the curtains around Diana's bed.