Chapter 1 · The Marriage Algorithm

Chapter 1

The guy I met on a blind date, Steven, sent me a friend request. Five minutes later, he dropped an Excel sheet in my inbox.

Steven messaged: [This is my dating standards scorecard. Go ahead and rate yourself. If you hit 80 or above, we can actually meet up.]

I stared at the spreadsheet, feeling overwhelmed by the ridiculous amount of criteria packed in there.

Height-to-weight ratio, parents' jobs, school rankings, zodiac signs, blood type compatibility... Seriously, 127 items.

I replied with a casual [Not really a good fit.] I was ready to delete him.

He replied instantly: [Wait, I've got an advanced questionnaire too. It digs into your spending habits, whether you want kids, how you'd get along with your future mother-in-law... All the deep stuff.]

Right after, he sent me a link to a 200-question online survey.

I blocked him without a second thought.

The next day, my mom forwarded me a 38-page PowerPoint presentation.

The title was "Feasibility Report on a Long-Term Marriage with Your Daughter," and it was signed by Steven, the guy from yesterday's blind date.

The last slide read, "According to our big data analysis, our marriage compatibility is an impressive 92.7%. I suggest your daughter give it another thought."

*****

I opened the PowerPoint my mom sent, and my blood boiled from head to toe.

"Mom! What the hell is this?" I shouted.

"Oh, Jessie, calm down!" My mom sounded way too excited.

She added, "Look at how much effort Steven put into this! The report is so detailed. That means he's genuinely serious about you, not like those guys who are just playing games."

I was so mad I nearly crushed my phone. I snapped, "He's treating me like some kind of tool! Your daughter is a living, breathing person. Not just some model in his Excel sheet!

"Yesterday, he made me rate myself on over a hundred criteria. I ignored him, and now he's gone straight to you? That's just creepy!"

"Don't say that!" My mom's tone turned serious.

She said, "This is what you call being rigorous! It's scientific! Big data is super powerful these days. It's way better than just trusting your instincts!

"Jessie, you're already twenty-eight. After all this picking, what have you got to show for it?

"Steven's got the education, the career, and he looks respectable too. Don't overlook a good catch!"

I barely stopped myself from hurling my phone across the room.

I retorted, "Mom, this is not up for discussion. I'm not interested in him. Please tell him to leave me and my family alone."

My mom snapped, "Don't you dare! I've already given him your number! You'd better talk to him nicely! If you block him, don't even think about calling me your mom anymore!"

My mom hung up after throwing that ultimatum.

I stared at my now-black phone screen, and I felt extremely frustrated.

Right then, a new message popped up. It was a guy with a stiff suit-and-tie ID photo and the name "Steven Hewitt."

The message said: [Ms. Holmes, we need to discuss the details of the report.]

I just scoffed and ignored him.

Five minutes later, a new email popped up in my work inbox.

The subject line read: [To Ms. Jessie Holmes: Initial Discussion on Building a Long-Term Strategic Partnership.]

I opened it up. The whole thing was written like a textbook business letter. It was super formal, precise, and logical. But it all boiled down to just one thing.

Given our impressive 92.7% compatibility, I propose we arrange an in-person meeting to map out the future of our relationship, step by step.

Attached were the 38-page PowerPoint and a Word document titled "Agenda and Behavior Observation Checklist for the First Meeting."

The document laid out every detail, like when and where we'd meet, and how long it would last. He even listed all the things he planned to assess during our meeting.

Steven was going to judge my table manners, how well I spoke, my emotional stability, and even my take on current events. Seriously, there were dozens more items on the list.

I shot back a reply, trying not to gag, and kept it short.

I wrote: [Mr. Hewitt, this is straight-up harassment. Knock it off, or I'll get the law involved.]

He replied instantly.

Steven: [Ms. Holmes, calling a normal pre-marriage background check 'harassment' just proves you have some pretty big gaps in your risk awareness and logical reasoning.]

Steven: [I've attached a guide on 'Emotional Management and Conflict Resolution.' Hope it helps you work on yourself. Thanks!]

He sent over yet another assessment link.

My hands were literally shaking with anger. I blocked his email right then and there.

Ten minutes later, my office phone rang.

The receptionist's sweet voice came through. "Jessie, there's a Mr. Hewitt here to meet with you. He says he wants to discuss an important collaboration."

Chapter 1

The guy I met on a blind date, Steven, sent me a friend request. Five minutes later, he dropped an Excel sheet in my inbox.

Steven messaged: [This is my dating standards scorecard. Go ahead and rate yourself. If you hit 80 or above, we can actually meet up.]

I stared at the spreadsheet, feeling overwhelmed by the ridiculous amount of criteria packed in there.

Height-to-weight ratio, parents' jobs, school rankings, zodiac signs, blood type compatibility... Seriously, 127 items.

I replied with a casual [Not really a good fit.] I was ready to delete him.

Right after, he sent me a link to a 200-question online survey.

I blocked him without a second thought.

The next day, my mom forwarded me a 38-page PowerPoint presentation.

The title was "Feasibility Report on a Long-Term Marriage with Your Daughter," and it was signed by Steven, the guy from yesterday's blind date.

The last slide read, "According to our big data analysis, our marriage compatibility is an impressive 92.7%. I suggest your daughter give it another thought."

*****

I opened the PowerPoint my mom sent, and my blood boiled from head to toe.

"Mom! What the hell is this?" I shouted.

"Oh, Jessie, calm down!" My mom sounded way too excited.

She added, "Look at how much effort Steven put into this! The report is so detailed. That means he's genuinely serious about you, not like those guys who are just playing games."

I was so mad I nearly crushed my phone. I snapped, "He's treating me like some kind of tool! Your daughter is a living, breathing person. Not just some model in his Excel sheet!

"Yesterday, he made me rate myself on over a hundred criteria. I ignored him, and now he's gone straight to you? That's just creepy!"

"Don't say that!" My mom's tone turned serious.

She said, "This is what you call being rigorous! It's scientific! Big data is super powerful these days. It's way better than just trusting your instincts!

"Jessie, you're already twenty-eight. After all this picking, what have you got to show for it?

"Steven's got the education, the career, and he looks respectable too. Don't overlook a good catch!"

I barely stopped myself from hurling my phone across the room.

I retorted, "Mom, this is not up for discussion. I'm not interested in him. Please tell him to leave me and my family alone."

My mom snapped, "Don't you dare! I've already given him your number! You'd better talk to him nicely! If you block him, don't even think about calling me your mom anymore!"

My mom hung up after throwing that ultimatum.

I stared at my now-black phone screen, and I felt extremely frustrated.

Right then, a new message popped up. It was a guy with a stiff suit-and-tie ID photo and the name "Steven Hewitt."

The message said: [Ms. Holmes, we need to discuss the details of the report.]

I just scoffed and ignored him.

Five minutes later, a new email popped up in my work inbox.

The subject line read: [To Ms. Jessie Holmes: Initial Discussion on Building a Long-Term Strategic Partnership.]

I opened it up. The whole thing was written like a textbook business letter. It was super formal, precise, and logical. But it all boiled down to just one thing.

Given our impressive 92.7% compatibility, I propose we arrange an in-person meeting to map out the future of our relationship, step by step.

Attached were the 38-page PowerPoint and a Word document titled "Agenda and Behavior Observation Checklist for the First Meeting."

The document laid out every detail, like when and where we'd meet, and how long it would last. He even listed all the things he planned to assess during our meeting.

Steven was going to judge my table manners, how well I spoke, my emotional stability, and even my take on current events. Seriously, there were dozens more items on the list.

I shot back a reply, trying not to gag, and kept it short.

I wrote: [Mr. Hewitt, this is straight-up harassment. Knock it off, or I'll get the law involved.]

He replied instantly.

Steven: [Ms. Holmes, calling a normal pre-marriage background check 'harassment' just proves you have some pretty big gaps in your risk awareness and logical reasoning.]

Steven: [I've attached a guide on 'Emotional Management and Conflict Resolution.' Hope it helps you work on yourself. Thanks!]

He sent over yet another assessment link.

My hands were literally shaking with anger. I blocked his email right then and there.

Ten minutes later, my office phone rang.

The receptionist's sweet voice came through. "Jessie, there's a Mr. Hewitt here to meet with you. He says he wants to discuss an important collaboration."