Chapter 3
That evening, after they've eaten and talked some and then split up to settle into their own spaces across the dorm, Noah sits by himself on his bunk and thinks.
He runs through the challenge in his head; he contemplates his responsibility to report back to the show hosts later.
Everything makes sense up until a point.
And that point appears to be Lucian.
Noah sits up thinking about it until it's two in the morning and he gets hungry enough to head to the kitchen.
On his way back, he stops outside the entrance to his friends' room.
Peeking his head in the door, he sees Bryce, Darian, and Lucian all passed out on their respective bunks.
After a moment's hesitation, Noah quietly pads into the room and kneels over by the head of Lucian's bed.
Lucian is completely under, absolutely dead to the world.
Noah watches as an inner voice simultaneously shouts to him that he should not be watching.
It's such a pleasant sight, though, and Noah gets way more satisfaction from it than he can quite explain.
"Lucian," Noah finds himself whispering and gently jostling the older's shoulder.
What are you doing, Noah McKay?
the voice inside his head warns him, but he ignores it.
"Lucian."
Lucian blinks a couple times and quirks his mouth, which is strangely adorable.
"Noah?" he finally asks, voice sleep-rough.
"Lucian," Noah hears himself say.
His voice is shaky.
"I love you."
Lucian closes his eyes and quirks his mouth again.
"You said it...this morning."
Noah is surprised that Lucian remembers.
"That was yesterday," he whispers.
"It's the next morning now."
"Oh, okay," Lucian breathes, accepting this explanation.
His eyes are still shut.
Noah can't look away from his face.
Noah gets up to leave when he hears Lucian say very quietly, as he rolls himself back into his covers, "you too."
Noah's heart clenches.
He returns to his room and lays face down on his bed for a very long time and doesn't understand anything at all.
*
Noah is out of it for the entirety of the next day, restless and uncomfortable in his own skin.
He wants to move, but as soon as he gets up all he wants is to sit back down again.
He paces across the waiting room backstage at a performance and randomly seats himself, then springs back up again seconds later.
He notices that Bryce looks away from his conversation with Darian and Aidan near the makeup stations to watch for a while.
Bryce finally, carefully makes his way over to the couch that Noah's sitting on, and perches on the arm.
"What's up?" Bryce asks, not pushing, just curious.
Noah sighs.
"I don't know," he says honestly.
Bryce nods like this makes sense.
"You wanna talk about it?"
Noah pouts.
"Maybe...maybe later."
Bryce smiles.
"Alright." He moves to stand from the couch.
"But," he adds quitely, "if the other guys are giving you a hard time about the challenge and it's giving you a problem-- me included," Bryce grimaces, apparently at his own potential behavior, "--then let me know, okay?"
Caught off guard, Noah nods.
But that's not even what's bothering him, he realizes with a strange sort of embarassment.
Isn't that supposed to be the hard part of this, getting teased for it?
Or at least, one of the
harder
parts?
Yeah, the members are still teasing him about it a bit here and there, but Noah is jarred by the realization that it hasn't factored into his current internal crisis even a little bit.
*
"Noah McKay, we've heard you've got a very interesting mission on your hands," the radio show host opens.
Noah gives a nervous laugh.
Every other host or host wants to check in on Noah's progress.
While it wasn't too bad in the beginning, lately Noah's been feeling nervous about discussing the whole situation.
It's like he's done something wrong or has some secret to hide, even though he knows he hasn't and doesn't.
"I do!" he says as cheerily as he can.
Noah looks to Lucian, whose steady gaze is directed at the host.
"What day are you on?" the host asks.
"Day thirty-eight," Noah confirms.
"Almost halfway there?" the host tries, and some of the members laughs.
"Okay, maybe not!
But still, it's very admirable that you've made it this far."
Noah gives a smile that he hopes doesn't look like a grimace.
"Aw, it's not so bad."
"So it's not been hard then?" the host smiles politely.
"It's not so hard to tell your friend you love him every day?"
Lucian has turned his gaze to Noah.
His face is impassive.
"It's not bad at all," Noah says softly, looking back at Lucian.
Lucian looks away.
*
On day forty-one, Noah stands in front of the dorm washing machine; next to him, Darian silently folds the clean laundry out of the dryer.
Noah checks the clothes over for stains before he puts them in, holding the stain-fighting spray at the ready.
Jesus, their group is messy.
There's splotches of yellow sauce on several t-shirts and soda on someone's pairs of pants.
Possibly the rusty color of pickles has exploded all over the chest of a white sweater.
And there are dirt stains on the knees of a pair of Finn's jeans which Noah inspects incredulously.
Where the hell did he even find dirt to play in?
"Hey," Darian says suddenly.
He keeps on folding clothes, casual, but Noah can tell just from how he said that one word that he means business.
"How's the thing with Lucian going?"
"Fine," Noah says automatically.
Darian seems unbothered, making a face that's the equivalent of a shrug.
"You sure?"
"I don't know," Noah mutters, just like he did to Bryce.
When Darian just keeps folding clothes, not saying anything, Noah feels his confession bubbling to the surface.
"The mission-- I don't understand why, but it feels like it might be changing everything."
Darian waits until he sees that Noah is done, and then he takes this in, not asking any questions-- just contemplating as he returns to folding clothes.
Trying to be patient, Noah returns to his task as well.
"Have you ever considered," Darian finally asks, gently, "that this is just as much a challenge for Lucian as it is for you?"
Noah considers this.
No.
No. He hadn't.
Noah had never thought about it like that before.
On day forty-three, Noah is sitting at the kitchen table with Aidan, Hugo, and Darian when his phone rings.
Lucian,
the screen announces.
Lucian almost never calls him-- Noah's lucky if Lucian even texts.
And last Noah checked, Lucian had been locked away in the recording studio all evening with Bryce, with no reason to call Noah.
Confused, Noah picks up.
"Lucian?" he greets.
"Noah McKay," the low voice greets him.
It sounds amused.
"Is there something that you've forgotten about today?"
Noah checks himself over.
Well, he
is
wearing pants.
"No?" he guesses.
There's only silence from Lucian's end, but Noah knows better than to ask.
Lucian is patient in moments like this, only dropping hints or staying silent; he'll wait until Noah's figured whatever it is out for himself.
After a stretch of nothing Lucian finally says, "It's eleven forty-three."