Chapter 3
It wasn't Allen saying "a woman" or "pretty good-looking" that struck me. It was the way Allen looked at me when he said it: so cautious, with a touch of sympathy and a probing, tentative gaze.
It felt like he was silently asking, "Do you know?"
I didn't know.
But I started paying attention to when Nathan came home. He was coming back later than before, sometimes at eleven, sometimes at twelve.
I kept an eye on his phone, too. He used to leave it lying around, but now he always put it face down on the table.
I watched his face. It seemed like there was more emotion in him compared to before.
It wasn't that he smiled more often, but his silence had changed. It used to be lifeless, now it was quiet, like he was keeping something hidden.
It was like there was something moving beneath the surface of a still pond.
I didn't ask him.
I didn't dare to.
Because whatever answer he'd give, I was terrified I couldn't take it.
*****
One weekend in April, Nathan went out.
He rarely went out on weekends, but this time he changed clothes twice and lingered in front of the mirror for a while before leaving.
I sat on the couch, holding a book, but I couldn't read a single word.
The moment the door clicked shut behind him, I suddenly felt exhausted.
It wasn’t physical fatigue. It was the kind that seeped out from one's soul, the kind no amount of rest could ever ease.
I put the book down, walked into the bathroom, and stared at myself in the mirror.
My face looked pale and my lips were dry. There were tiny lines at the corners of my eyes, my hair was lazily tied up, and I was wearing an old washed-out T-shirt.
I wasn't ugly, but I wasn't pretty either. I was simply an ordinary, average woman, someone nobody would notice, just another face in the crowd.
But Nathan was the kind of guy girls would secretly take pictures of when he walked down the street.
Suddenly, my mom's words echoed in my head. "Lola, you're not good enough for him."
She was right.
I was never good enough for him.
I thought marrying him would let me get closer to him, but I was wrong.
After we got married, I saw the distance between us even more clearly. It wasn't physical, but a chasm one could never cross, no matter how hard I tried.
That day, I stood in the bathroom for a long time. In the end, I didn't cry. I only washed my face, went back to the couch, and picked up my book again.
But I couldn't make out a single word on the page.
*****
The first time I saw Valerie was at a mall.
I was shopping alone, riding the escalator on the second floor, and when I looked down, I spotted Nathan.
He was standing at a jewelry counter on the first floor, with a woman next to him.
She was tall, dressed in a camel-colored trench coat, her long hair draped over her shoulders. Her profile was beautiful.
She was leaning over, checking something in the display case, a faint smile on her lips. Nathan was right beside her, leaning in slightly, watching her.
The whole scene was so quiet and natural, like something out of a painting.
I stood on the escalator as it carried me down, my eyes fixed on them the entire time.
When I reached the bottom, I instinctively slipped behind a pillar.
What was I afraid of? Was I scared they'd notice me? Or was I afraid of seeing something I couldn't handle?
I didn't know.
I peeked around the pillar and saw Nathan take a box from the counter and hand it over to Valerie.
She opened it and looked inside, then smiled. It was a real, genuine smile that came straight from her heart.
Then she rose up on her toes and kissed Nathan on the cheek.
It was so quick and light, like a breeze passing by.
But it was enough to freeze me in place.
Nathan didn't push her away. He just stood there. I couldn't really see his face, but he didn't avoid her.
That was enough.
If a guy let a woman kiss him, it said it all.
I turned and walked away.
By the time I left the mall, it was pouring outside.
I hadn't brought an umbrella. I lingered at the entrance, watching the rain for a while, then finally stepped right into it.
The rain was icy, splashing against my face and running down my chin.
That was when I finally broke down and cried.
The best thing about crying in the rain was that no one could tell if it was rain or tears.
People rushed by on the street. Nobody even noticed the woman slowly walking in the rain.
I kept walking, all the way back home.
By the time I got home, I was soaked to the bone, my shoes squelching with every step.
I took a hot shower, changed into dry clothes, and sat on the couch, staring into space.
At ten o'clock that night, Nathan came home. He saw me but didn't notice anything unusual about me.
"Did you go out today?" he asked.
"Yeah. Did some shopping," I replied.
"Did you buy anything?"
"Nothing much."
And that was it.
He went to his study, and I went back to the bedroom.
Lying in bed, I stared at the ceiling. I wondered how he would react if I told him I wanted a divorce right now.
He'd probably shrug and say, "Alright."
He wouldn’t ask why, stop me, or even look at me again.