Chapter 2
in the living room, Davis lets out a little yelp as Colson's eyes zero in on him. he ducks behind Ivan and uses him as a human shield as Ethan lets Colson pull him forward. Gael's laughing somewhere. he's alive, then. that's great for him.
"i have children!"
"you have a lizard," Colson snarls.
"he needs me," Davis says from behind Ivan's shoulder.
"he needs my love and protection and guidance in life and just hear me out. just let me explain."
"hear him out, Colson," Finley says. he's standing in the kitchen doorway with Gael, nursing a cup of coffee.
"shut up, Finley," Colson groans, "you have a dick on your face."
"i know," Finley sighs, and gives Ivan a half-assed glare. Ivan shoots him a thumbs up.
"what the hell, Davis," Ethan grumbles.
"will you let me explain? are you calm?" Davis asks warily.
"you have ten seconds," Colson concedes, "and then you uncuff us."
journalism assignment
is Davis's explanation.
"what kind of fucking journalism assignment," Colson says incredulously.
"i'm doing a social experiment and writing about it," Davis says easily.
"i decided to handcuff two people together for twenty-four hours and have them report back to me on the experience. you guys are an ideal pair for this, really, because of your contradictory lifestyles. Ethan goes to the gym every day, Colson hasn't seen the sun in what, four years -"
"Ethan has a semi-healthy sleep schedule, and Colson texted me at two a.m. asking if i want to grab dinner," Finley supplies.
"i am the pinnacle of health," Colson snaps. the handcuffs clink as Ethan lifts their arms.
"so you just. handcuffed us together while we were sleeping? that seems like -"
"- a violation of our human rights and like you're asking to be strangled with these very handcuffs," Colson nods.
"how can you talk about human rights and strangling me in the same sentence," Davis shakes his head, "also, i knew you would shoot it down immediately without giving it any thought, were i to ask you first."
"obviously, like any sane person would," Colson says, "just cuff yourself to Ivan. i don't care. uncuff us."
"that would be boring, since we already go everywhere together," Ivan says, resting his chin on Davis's shoulder. Davis nods resolutely.
"i don't care," Colson emphasizes, and gives their arms a firm shake.
"i'm not doing this."
Davis directs his puppy eyes at Ethan.
"Ethan? please? i know you like annoying Colson. think about it. this is the greatest opportunity you'll ever get to inconvenience Colson for twenty-four hours straight."
"i hate you," Colson stage whispers.
"Ethan's considering it," Gael points out. Colson turns around to face Ethan, who has the decency to adopt a vaguely guilty expression for a second. then he frowns, turns back to Davis.
"i have class," he says, "i can't."
"that's why i left your right hand free. you totally can," Davis says brightly.
"see, i considered everything."
"so what, i don't do anything useful enough to need my right hand?" Colson raises an eyebrow.
"well -" Ivan starts, and the sentence would probably progress into an obscene suggestion as to what Colson mainly uses his right hand for, but Ethan cuts him off.
"i have
dance practice.
i can't skip."
"i know you love a challenge," Davis says, unfazed, and Colson thinks,
oh, fuck no.
"no," he says firmly, "you need both our consent, and i'm not doing this. find someone else."
"but -" Davis whines.
"no."
"just consider -"
"
no.
"
"ugh. fine," Davis sighs.
"enjoy your boring ordinary day with zero handcuffs in it." he digs his hand into the pocket of his sweats and feels around. he frowns. tries the other one.
"oh. huh. hmm."
"what is it," Colson says, pained, knowing full well what it is but refusing to accept this day is rapidly turning into a freefall towards imminent death.
"i seemeth to has't temporarily forgotten whither i placed the key," Davis says.
"why do you start speaking in shakespearean when you're panicking?" Gael asks.
"i've always wondered about that."
"Davis," Colson warns.
"i
was
drunk," Davis says defensively. Ivan snaps his fingers.
"you left it on the desk next to Leonard Da Vinci's terrarium, didn't you?"
for the longest time after meeting Davis some three years ago, Colson honest to god thought Davis had a dog because he kept saying shit like
i took Leonard for a walk yesterday
and
Leonard ate half of my media and communication essay.
then he visited Davis and found that Leonard was actually a gigantic argentine black and white tegu. and that its full name is Leonard Da Vinci. Davis claims it shows great artistic promise. honestly, it makes sense.
they search Davis's desk, the rest of Ivan and Davis's bedroom, all the other rooms within the next half an hour. they don't find the key, but Ethan finds a paperclip, and tries to pick the handcuffs while Colson stands there, arm hovering in the air, feeling defeated.
"this is pointless," he says, staring at a succulent in the living room emptily.
"i think this trick only works in movies," Ethan says, finally lowering their arms.
"you don't say," Colson deadpans, giving him a look.
"guys," Davis calls from the bedroom, "i think i know what happened to the key. this is going to sound bad, but. there's definitely a humorous aspect to it?"
Davis's holding the lizard in his arms when they enter the bedroom. Colson has a very bad feeling about this.
"yeah, i threw it into the lizard tank," Davis says, "and Leonard ate it."
a beat.
"what," Colson says.
"well, the tank is right next to the desk. it's an easy mistake. and Leonard eats everything. he ate my pencil, and my macy's gift card."
"what the fuck," Finley says softly, "how is he still alive?"
"that's because he's special. he's a champ." Davis looks inappropriately proud. he scratches underneath the lizard's chin, and coos, "did you eat the key, vince?"
"make him poop it out," Colson says bluntly. Davis gives him a look.
"how dare you. i can't
make
him do anything. he has his own will, his own hopes and dreams."
"good god," Colson says. Ethan shifts next to him; Colson is more aware of his every movement than he'd like, being literally connected to him, and he's growing increasingly uneasy because of this.
"so we're stuck like this?" Ethan asks.
"how long?"
"well," Davis pulls a thoughtful face.
"Leonard usually poops once a day, although sometimes he skips a day."
"we're going to purchase a pair of bolt cutters, goodbye," Colson informs, "and i'm using the money i owe you for that movie ticket."
he begins tugging Ethan towards the door, but doesn't get far.
"i'm begging you," Davis says, bodily blocking the way.
"please help me out with this assignment. i have a family to feed." he holds out the lizard by the armpits. if lizards have armpits. Colson makes eye contact with it. the lizards sticks out its tongue, and even though Colson knows it's what lizards do, he feels like it's provoking him.
"twenty-four hours. until nine a.m. if Leonard hasn't pooped out the key by then, you can get the bolt cutters."
"Ethan." Colson turns to Ethan, who's looking at him seriously... with a hint of something like nervousness. he licks his lips.
"i could... i mean, if you really don't want to, then let's get the cutters, but... i mean. i'd be fine with doing it. it's your call."
oh, jesus fucking hell.
why is Colson even
considering
this. this is such a fundamentally bad idea. but Ethan's letting him know he's willing to be handcuffed to Colson for the next twenty-four hours, and Colson - just -
"fine," he says weakly. Davis's entire face lights up.
"great," he grins, and somehow manages to give them a thumbs up holding the dog-sized lizard to his chest.
"just report back to me every few hours. don't forget to take pictures and videos. snapchat works. just keep me updated on what you do, how you're feeling, what your annoyance levels are. that sort of thing. i'll also conduct a brief interview when it's over."
"great," Colson mumbles, and can't help but feel like he just dug his own grave.