Chapter 1

That winter, the snow was especially heavy. I stood in the snow outside Norman Manor, my legs numb and useless. For four whole hours, from afternoon to evening, the manor's gate stayed shut.

My maid Livia was beside me, crying her eyes out. "Lady Claire, let's go back. You'll freeze out here."

I didn't move. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. My legs were completely numb, and the cold was creeping up my body, sinking deep into my bones.

But I couldn't leave. I was here to beg Duke Lance Norman for one last meeting. A year ago, he had been my husband.

"Lady Claire, he's not going to see you." Livia's voice was thick with tears. "It's been four hours, and the gatekeeper hasn't reported. Why put yourself through this?"

I looked up at the gate. It was dark oak bound with iron, the studs black and worn. Two bronze beasts crouched on the gate, their faces blurred by rain and age.

I had lived behind this gate for three years, passed through it a thousand times, but tonight it felt colder than ever.

"Livia, knock again," I said.

Livia bit her lip, ran over, grabbed the knocker, and pounded it hard.

After a dozen heavy knocks, the door finally cracked open. A gatekeeper I didn't recognize stuck his head out, his face full of impatience. "Why are you banging on the door? I told you, Lord Lance isn't seeing anyone. Can't you hear me?"

"Please, let him know one more time," I rasped, my voice rough. "Tell him Claire Sutton is here. I only ask for one meeting. I'll leave as soon as I've seen him."

The gatekeeper looked me up and down, his eyes full of contempt, like I was something filthy. "Claire? Weren't you already cast aside? And you still have the nerve to show up here?"

Livia was shaking with anger. "You—"

"Forget it," I said, stopping her.

The gatekeeper slammed the door shut with a loud bang.

Livia turned to me, tears streaming down her face. "Lady Claire, let's go, please."

I shook my head. I couldn't leave. The doctor said I had three months left, maybe less. That thing growing in my lungs made every breath feel like needles stabbing inside me.

I wasn't scared of dying, but I was scared of dying with regrets. I wanted to see him one last time only.

The snow didn't let up. It piled on my shoulders and in my hair, covering me in white until I probably looked like a snowman. My whole body was frozen solid, but I only kept staring at that gate that would never open for me.

An eternity passed before the gate suddenly opened again. This time it wasn't the gatekeeper. It was an old man in a gray tunic, Ben, Lance's old butler. He once served me when I first came there as Lance's wife.

He looked at me, his expression hard to read. "Lady Claire," he sighed, "go back. Lord Lance said if you really want to see him, you'll have to stay here until dawn."

Livia started sobbing.

But I smiled. Until dawn? He always knew I couldn't make it that long. No one knew how weak I was better than him.

For three years, I made his medicine every day and kept the lamp burning for him every night. Every ache and pain I picked up from all those years of hardship, he saw all of it.

He knew I could never last that long. That was exactly why he made me stay here.

Ben hesitated, then finally said, "Lady Claire, Lord Lance has always loved someone else. Please don't put yourself through this anymore."

I already knew who it was. His first wife, Vera Rivers. She had been gone five years.

Even after all that time, after I ran the household, took care of him, and took the hits for him in ways seen and unseen, I was never the one he wanted.

I was only a replacement they brought in to fill the empty space, pushed into his life when he had nothing left.

"Tell Lord Lance I appreciate his idea," I said to Ben with a faint smile. "Let him know I got the message."

Ben froze, wanting to say something else, but I'd already turned away.

Livia helped me limp back. Every step was slow and sharp, like the ground was slicing into me. After hobbling a short distance, I suddenly stopped and couldn't help glancing back at the gate.

It was closed now. From the very beginning, it had never once opened for me.

Suddenly, I remembered my wedding day three years ago.

It was snowing that day too. I wore my wedding dress, my heart bursting with happiness as they brought me through that gate.

When my mother was on her deathbed. She held my hand and said, "Claire, go live a good life. Lord Lance is a good man."

I never told my mother that Lance didn't marry me out of love.

Back then, Lance had lost a battle and fallen out of favor with the late king. The Norman family was falling apart. They needed money badly.

My family was in business. Money was all we had. So my father paid a chest of gold to buy me the title of Lance's wife.

On the day Lance married me, he hadn't taken a good look at me. And then I spent three months alone.

Then the anniversary of Vera's death arrived. That night, Lance was so drunk that he could hardly walk. He stumbled into my courtyard. In the dark, he pulled me close, but the name he whispered was Vera's, not mine.

After that night, I thought maybe he'd finally noticed me.

But the next morning, when he sobered up, the way he looked at me was colder than before.

*****

I spent three years brewing medicine for Lance.

His old war wounds would flare up every time it rained, leaving him awake and writhing in pain. I hunted down every doctor I could find. I tried every remedy out there. Eventually, I managed to keep the pain under control.

I took all the hits for him, the obvious ones and the ones behind his back. I dealt with anyone who wanted to use him, hurt him, or step over him to get ahead. He never had to worry about a thing.

I managed the household myself. He never had to lift a finger.

I thought, even if there was no love, he'd at least be grateful.

But I was so wrong.

That day, Vera's younger sister Emily Rivers came to visit. Lance told me to receive her.

After she left, Lance came to me and said the harshest thing he'd ever said to me. "When Vera was alive, she hated your groveling, merchant manners. From now on, whenever Emily visits, you don't have to meet her anymore."

I stood there, frozen for a long moment. Vera hated merchants?

Did he really forget? When the Norman family was falling apart, who showed up with a chest of gold? Who sold off her own jewelry to help him?

He didn't remember. Or maybe he never cared.

*****

Three months ago, Lance handed me the divorce papers. The reason was cold and simple: I gave him no heir.

I didn't cry or throw a fit. I quietly packed my things, took Livia with me, and left Norman Manor for Sutton Manor on the west side of town. It was the old place my mother left me, empty for years.

Then, I got sick.

The doctor said it was years of bottled-up grief and exhaustion. All my old illnesses came back at once, and there was no cure left for me.

I lay in bed and watched autumn fade into winter outside my window. I watched the leaves fall and the first snow arrive.

Today was the last time I would ever leave the house.

I wanted to see him one last time. I wanted to ask him myself. Lance, was there ever a moment, even for a second, when you truly saw me as your wife?

Now I knew the answer. Never.