Chapter 1

My whole family ended up in ancient times.

The emperor ordered my father to lead the army. My father trembled like a leaf.

The emperor asked my brother for counsel. My brother stammered and said nothing.

Finally, the emperor's gaze landed on my mom, and she pushed me forward. "Your Majesty, the only thing we have to offer is a daughter with big breasts and an empty head..."

*****

At that moment, all I could think was, 'Are you really my mom?'

I was just there, totally stunned.

One moment, my whole family was at home, singing karaoke. Next, everything went black, and when I opened my eyes, I was already standing here.

I hadn't even wrapped my head around the whole 'time travel' thing before my mom just slapped me and shoved me out there.

No joke, she actually slapped me.

I stumbled forward, nearly face-planting, and barely managed to steady myself. When I looked up, I was staring right at the eyes of the emperor sitting high on the throne.

He looked down at me with a half-smile, like I was just a lamb waiting to be slaughtered.

Crap.

Before I got sent back in time, my biggest talent was binge-watching dramas and gossiping. My second-best skill was just chilling and slacking off.

I'd been living off my parents for half a year after college, and my mom was always nagging me about having no ambition.

Every time, I'd shoot back, "Hey, at least I've got a big chest," and she'd chase me down the street with a slipper. Now, she's officially stamped me as "big-chested but brainless" and handed me straight to the emperor.

She was really something else.

"Oh?" The emperor drawled, his fingers tapping idly on the armrest of the throne. "And what can this girl do?"

I could hear the sarcasm in his voice loud and clear. If I were the emperor, I'd be mocking me too.

My dad was standing next to me, shaking like a leaf.

I shot him a sidelong glance. His forehead was pressed to the floor, his butt sticking up in the air, like he wished he could just disappear into the cracks between the tiles.

My dad, a strapping guy and a modern-day accountant who could brown-nose with the best of them, was now standing there like a frightened quail.

But my brother? He took it to a whole new level.

He was a science-track high school sophomore, always swaggering around at home like he owned the place, constantly bragging, "Just wait till I get into Harvard, you'll see what real family honor looks like."

And now? He was curled up in a ball, eyes fixated on the floor, muttering to himself, "I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot..."

Seriously, he's basically a broken record at this point.

My mom, on the other hand, was totally unfazed.

After shoving me out there, she bowed with all the confidence in the world. "Your Majesty, my daughter has been practicing martial arts since she was little. She's crazy strong."

I was speechless.

Mom, could you at least make up something believable? I couldn't even open a bottle cap, and you were saying I was some kind of powerhouse?

"Oh?" The emperor leaned forward, suddenly interested. "Then let her raise her head. Let me take a look."

I had no choice but to lift my head.

The moment our eyes met, my mind raced through every drama plot I'd ever seen.

The emperor had fallen for me. He was going to make me his concubine, spoil me rotten, and then I would become the empress, and my whole family would be living the high life...

"Very good." The emperor nodded, a smile I couldn't quite read tugging at his lips. "Three days from now, you'll march with the army, as a military prostitute."

My parents and I were shocked.

My mom's composure finally cracked. "Your... Your Majesty?"

"What's wrong?" The emperor leaned back, looking completely relaxed. "Didn't you just say this girl was useful? I'm giving her a chance to serve the country. Shouldn't you be grateful?"

My dad opened his mouth, but the only sound he managed was like a chicken with its neck wrung. "I... I..."

"Enough." The emperor waved his hand, cutting him off impatiently. "Court is dismissed."

The eunuch's shrill voice echoed through the hall, "Court dismissed."

I was still standing there, totally stunned.

Military prostitute.

Those two words just kept bouncing around in my head.

Who was I? Where was I? Did I really hear that?

It wasn't until a eunuch came over to hurry us along that my parents grabbed me by each arm and dragged me out of the Imperial Golden Hall.

As soon as we stepped out, I turned to my mom and asked, "Mom, do you regret shoving me out there just now?"

Her eyes were red, but she wouldn't admit it. "How was I supposed to know it'd turn out like this? I thought at worst they'd send you off for some political marriage."

"A political marriage?" My dad's voice went all soft, and he wiped the sweat from his forehead, it was pouring down like rain.

"With your daughter's looks, if we sent her off for a political marriage, the other side might just rise up in revolt."

Oh, my good dad.