Chapter 1

My funeral was a stately affair.

It made sense. I was Joshua Hamilton's wife and spent four years as the Queen. I lived carefully and never gave anyone a reason to fault me.

Even later, when Joshua lifted Lillian Patterson onto a pedestal and fought the Queen Mother for her, I stood stuck in the middle, took the blame from both sides, and cleaned up his messes.

When Lillian fell ill, he stayed by her bed for three days and nights, barely eating.

When I lay dying, though, he showed no real grief. He just held my hand as it grew colder and colder, sat there for a long time, and finally forced out, "No matter what, if I'd to make a choice again, I'll still choose you to be my Queen."

I never expected his words to come true. But it did.

I went back in time.

Joshua was eighteen then, still a prince, unsure of himself, untouched by the love that later drove him mad. His marriage rested entirely in the Queen's hands.

The Queen chose me.

Just as Joshua looked over, her finger shifted slightly and landed on someone else.

She said, "Miss Daphne Hawkins it is then."

*****

The second Joshua Hamilton and I locked eyes, I got so scared I instantly ducked my head, not daring to look at him.

Joshua sat up there in his fancy royal getup, looking drop-dead gorgeous, but his expression was pure ice. It was like he was totally detached from everything that was going on.

He'd reached the age when he should marry.

He wasn't in love with anyone, so he just let the Queen call the shots.

In this life, the Queen asked what I thought.

I kept trying to wriggle out of it, never giving her a clear answer.

The Queen looked a bit disappointed, sighed, and her finger hovered for a second before sliding to the next name on the list: Daphne Hawkins.

"Daphne Hawkins it is then," she said.

Daphne couldn't hide her excitement. She curtsied, thanking the Queen.

Joshua didn't even bother to look up, just gave her that cold, detached stare.

It was the same way he used to look at me in my previous life.

He didn't find his future wife particularly attractive or off-putting. He just saw her as good enough, just someone to fill the role.

The Queen, sticking to tradition, asked, "Joshua, do you have any objections?"

He paused for a moment. "No objections."

As long as it wasn't the one he truly loved, he couldn't care less.

To him, it made no difference who he married.

When I walked out of the hall, it was drizzling outside.

Puddles on the ground showed shaky reflections of people passing by.

I raised my umbrella a bit and saw my own reflection: a fifteen-year-old girl staring back at me in the water. Suddenly, it felt like I was dreaming.

Now that Joshua had agreed to marry Daphne, it was a done deal.

I wouldn't have to waste my youth away in that lonely palace, burning out until there was nothing left of me.

That last day of my previous life was etched in my memory, clear as day.

Visitors came in droves, all there to check on me.

The lords were outside the hall, while the ladies were inside.

Of course, Lillian Patterson was nowhere to be seen.

She said she was too delicate, didn't want any bad vibes rubbing off on her.

Joshua sat beside me, holding my hand as it grew colder, the gentle weight of his silk sleeve resting softly on my skin.

My eyelids grew heavier and heavier, but I summoned the last bit of strength I had left, giving him my final wishes.

"If you need a new Queen, make Daphne your next one," I whispered. "She's level-headed. She won't make things difficult for Lillian."

I had my own selfish motives.

For one thing, Daphne and I had been rivals for years, but she'd earned my respect. All she ever wanted was to climb to the very top, and I didn't mind letting her have it.

And there was the other reason. I hated Lillian and Joshua.

Lillian was just a nobody, but she was given a title just for being the king's mistress.

The whole palace and royal court were up in arms over it.

The lords were relentless in their protests, and even my father sent me urgent secret letters, begging me to step in.

It was the end of the year and there were a lot of matters to do in the palace. I was also heavily pregnant. Still, I had to go and try to talk some sense into Joshua.

Outside, the snow was coming down hard, but he only let me in alone, and just because I was pregnant with his kid.

Inside, it was warm like spring, but Joshua's face was colder than ever. He looked down at me, distant and untouchable. "Gilda, you want to pressure me too?

"You've been stuck in this palace for too long. You don't get it. I finally met someone I actually want to open my heart to."

I stood there, clutching my sleeve so tightly my fingers ached, feeling humiliated.

I'd given him everything, too.

When I married Joshua, I had just turned sixteen.

When the wedding veil was lifted and I met his deep, steady eyes, it felt like someone had dropped a stone into the calm lake of my heart, sending ripples out in every direction.

After that, I spent three years as his Duchess, and then another three as his Queen.

We kept things perfectly civil between us.

I figured that even if there was no love, there had to be at least a little warmth or loyalty between us.