Chapter 2

I didn't argue. "Got it."

Mom said, "Come on. Let's eat."

After Dad picked up his fork, I imitated them and reached for the fork on the table.

For a moment, I felt like I was picking up a bit of my dignity.

But my fingers just wouldn't cooperate. They were trembling so much, I couldn't even keep a grip on the fork.

The fork clattered against the ceramic plate, making a loud, embarrassing sound.

Dad tried to hold back, but in the end, he tossed his fork onto the table.

"Are you still holding a grudge against me?" he asked.

I shot up from my seat. "No, Dad."

"Then why aren't you eating?" Dad pressed.

At that moment, it felt like I was back in that cold classroom.

The instructor ordered me to eat the spoiled food.

I wouldn't eat it. I just kept kneeling there, hungry, until I finally gave in.

If anyone couldn't finish it in a minute, they'd get a brutal beating and be thrown into solitary, starving for three days.

No one could endure it.

In the end, everyone ended up kneeling on the floor, eating like a dog.

Fear took over, and my body acted on pure instinct. I grabbed the food from the plate and frantically shoved it into my mouth.

The colors were so bright, but there was absolutely no taste.

I felt nothing, almost like I'd lost the urge to even chew.

All I knew was to keep stuffing it into my stomach, desperate and mindless. My mouth was packed to the brim.

Mom protested, "Why are you being so harsh on her again?"

Dad's expression turned sour. "That's enough. What do you think you're doing? Sit down and eat properly."

"Yes," I said. I stopped and sat back down.

At this point, I'd already met my basic need for food.

If I snatched up all the food for myself, the others would be left hungry.

I sat up straight, keeping my eyes fixed ahead.

Mom ladled some chicken soup into my bowl. "Have some more chicken soup. It's good for you."

I managed a numb smile. "I'm full. Thanks, Mom."

Mom's hand paused in midair, her eyes clouded with unfamiliar emotions.

Whenever I thought of her before, it always made me sad.

But now, there wasn't a trace of feeling left in me, as if I were surrounded by lifeless puppets.

They kept talking, but it felt like a dark veil had fallen over my eyes. Their voices were muffled and distant, barely reaching me.

I finally stopped trying to fit in, dropped my gaze, and slipped back into my own world.

I couldn't even remember how I got home. Lying on the cold bed, I felt restless, like my skin was prickling with needles. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get comfortable.

Eventually, I grabbed my blanket and curled up in the corner of the room.

With my arms and back pressed against the wall, I finally felt a bit of security.

When I heard the knock at the door, I got up and opened it. Mom stood there, guilt written all over her face. "Kara, Mom will give you a gift too. Just tell me what you want, and Mom will make it happen for you."

"Alright. Anything, just give it to Mindy," I said.

I saw my own hollow eyes reflected in hers. My gaze was as empty and lifeless as a dead tree.

Mom looked at me and asked, "What is it you really want?"

I thought about it. What I wanted was for that heavy piece of metal to slice through my wrist that day.

I wanted to drown myself in the bathroom sink.

I wondered if it would hurt when a knife stabbed through my chest and into my heart.

I just wanted to end it all.

My throat felt dry. "Just let me stay home, that's all I want.

"Alright. Give MIndy everything."

Mom gave me a look I couldn't quite read.

But my brain felt like mush. Without a command, I stood ramrod straight, not daring to budge an inch.

If I disobeyed, the consequences would be more terrifying than death itself.

Mom took a deep breath. "Kara, you're home now. You can relax."

"Yes," I said, still stiff as a board.

It was only after Mom had left for a long while that I quietly closed the door behind her.

The blanket in the corner still held a bit of warmth. Curling up in the corner, I hugged myself with it, clinging to that lingering heat.

In my dream, it was my nineteenth birthday, back in my freshman year of college.

One of my high school friends gave me a birthday present, a one-of-a-kind gift.

But Mindy wanted me to hand it over to her.

Before, I always gave her whatever she wanted, but not this one.

Mindy went and snitched to our parents.

While we were arguing, the box got knocked over, and a love letter tumbled out.

My parents thought I had a crush on girls. They said I wasn't letting my little sister have her way.

They wanted to send me off for conversion therapy, to "correct" my sexual orientation.

I kept insisting there was nothing wrong with me, but they never believed a word I said.

Later on, Antony exposed evidence that the center had bribed Lily's parents.

They'd taunt me, "Didn't you say you didn't feel anything for men? So, do you feel anything for them now?"

I woke up with a start again. It was still dark outside.