Chapter 3
During my first pregnancy, we were barely on speaking terms.
Morning sickness hit me hard. My legs swelled up, and cramps would jolt me awake in the middle of the night.
He was hardly ever home, and I had to handle everything alone.
He knew I loved the ocean. So, as always, he booked a cruise for my birthday.
But when I stepped onto the deck, there was Vivian. Her laughter filled the air, her smile perfectly practiced.
On the second day, disaster struck. The ship was going down.
Terrified passengers surged toward the lifeboats.
I clutched my belly, frozen, paralyzed by fear.
Ryan had paid a fortune for two spots on a lifeboat. He'd just climbed in when he reached out to help me.
But Vivian came running, tears streaming down her face. She shoved me aside. "Ryan, she's pregnant. They'll put her on the next boat for sure. But what about me?"
And Ryan hesitated.
The crowd surged, pushing and shoving.
Then something crashed down from above. My foot slipped, and in an instant, the sea swallowed me whole.
"Ava!" I heard him scream my name.
When I woke up, pain was tearing through me from the waist down.
The doctor told me the baby didn't make it. He was gone the moment they took him out.
It was a boy.
I caught a glimpse of his face, and then the tears came. His little face was Ryan's. He had the same eyes, the same brow.
*****
Halfway through the cruise, I stumbled out of bed, barely able to stand.
I opened the small urn I'd brought with me.
"Baby," I whispered to the churning waves, "I'm so sorry.
"Mommy's going to leave you here, okay?" Tears blurred my vision as I scattered the ashes over the sea.
*****
After losing our first baby, I grew more and more withdrawn.
Whether Ryan spoke gently or exploded in anger, I wouldn't even look at him.
He finally reached his breaking point.
He came to my bedside, his eyes red and his voice cracking as he choked out, "Just tell me what it takes for you to forgive me. What do you want?"
After that, he started coming home every single day, insisting on having sex with me.
I neither resisted nor responded.
Then I was pregnant again.
Looking at the pregnancy test in my hand, I felt something shift inside me. A flicker of hope, maybe.
This baby was a second chance, a gift from the one we lost.
Ryan finally promised he'd cut things off with Vivian.
When he came home, he'd sometimes bring me lilies to help me sleep.
At night, he'd wrap his arms around me from behind, his hands resting on my growing belly.
Maybe, just maybe, this baby could change things.
Then, one day, I reached into his pocket and found a pair of stockings that weren't mine.
They were still warm, a vulgar and intimate betrayal.
I dragged myself to his office, feeling like a ghost.
Through the glass doors, I saw her. Vivian. The one he'd sworn he'd fired.
Her desk was right across from his. And on it sat a huge vase of lilies. The same lilies he brought home for me.
She saw me and didn't even flinch. Then she held up her left hand, letting the ring on her finger catch the light in a silent taunt.
I grabbed the nearest thing and hurled it at her.
Ryan came storming out, his face contorted with rage. He grabbed me and slapped me hard across the face. "Who let you in? This is an office. If you want to act crazy, do it at home!"
I held my cheek and looked at him. All I saw in his eyes was disgust.
How had we ended up here?
After the scandal broke, the stock price tanked, and the board was in an uproar.
Ryan ordered me to clear Vivian's name.
"Put out a statement. Say it was all in your head. Otherwise..." His eyes dropped to my belly. The threat hung there.
This baby was my only lifeline. The only thing keeping me going.
He watched the color drain from my face and looked pleased.
"I expect that statement before I leave," he said, his voice laced with threat.
"Vivian's been down lately. I'm taking her to Isenland. She's always wanted to see the Northern Lights."