Chapter 1
Jude stared at his phone.
It lay flat on the coffee table before him, the screen facing up.
Its base was neatly aligned with the edge of the glass tabletop, perfectly perpendicular.
Perfectly straight.
"You're so cute.
Have I told you how cute you are?"
"No.
I mean, maybe."
"Well, you are."
Jude flinched when the screen lit up.
Just an email.
He didn't read the subject line or the address.
It hung, suspended for a moment on top of dozens, maybe hundreds, of other messages, then the screen went dark.
Almost immediately, another notification came in, this time a news alert, tagged with his name.
His lock screen was a picture of the cottage lake on a serene day at dawn.
Or, Jude was pretty sure it was dawn, but it might have been dusk.
He couldn't remember, and he couldn't see the sun in the photo.
"Graham is extremely jealous."
"Of me?"
"No, of me."
A long pause.
"Oh. Oh.Oh."
Before the screen could go dark again, a call came in, buzzing loudly although his ringtone was off.
His mom's name lit up the screen.
Jude stared at her profile image.
It was a picture of her on the day of his draft, almost ten years ago.
He should probably update it.
He let the call ring out.
He got another email, and did not read it either.
He wasn't wearing his glasses, and the world seemed blurrier than usual.
"Did you... not notice that Graham is gay?"
"Uh, I guess I hadn't really thought about it."
"Well, he is.
And he's low key in love with you."
Another pause.
"Oh."
"Does it surprise you that Graham is gay?"
"No, I mean, of course not.
No."
"Well, a lot of actors are, they're just not all out." He nodded along but didn't say anything in response.
She continued speaking in the silence.
"Are there any... like, gay, hockey players?
I mean, yes, obviously there are, but are there any openly gay players?"
His phone screen went dark.
It lit up with a text.
Jude made out Travis's name, but he didn't look at the preview.
Then, almost immediately, another text from Travis.
And another.
Then, enough time for the screen to dim, and then a fourth.
"Yeah, uh, no. I mean, yeah, there are probably gay players or whatever, but none that have said it... publicly." He laughed.
It sounded awkward.
Off-kilter.
"Huh." She sounded sad.
"What?"
She sighed.
"Sorry, I don't think I'm going about this the right way.
Um..."
"Going about what?" His voice was tremulous.
There was another long pause.
In the video, the camera flashed up just long enough to show her reaching across the table and taking his hand.
Hana called again.
Jude wasn't counting, but it must have been her twelfth call at least.
He should really pick up.
She was probably worried.
He should also respond to Travis and check his email for anything urgent.
By the time the call went to voicemail, the buzzing had shaken the phone enough that it was no longer perfectly aligned with the table.
Jude used the tips of his fingers to nudge it back into place.
"I really like you, Jude."
"I like you, too."
"But I have a feeling that... maybe I'm not...
doing it for you?"
More shaky laughter.
"Yes, you are."
"I know you like talking to me-"
"Yeah."
"But do you like kissing me?"
"Sure." The camera, aimed at the floor and shaking slightly, again flashed up just in time to show him put his hand over his face, covering his eyes.Something was obscuringthe lens, a semi-transparent partition of some kind, between the camera and its subjects.
Jude's Wave and Picto notifications had been off for a very long time, which was a small blessing.
He really didn't want to know how many tags, DMs, or messages he was receiving.
The news alerts were bad enough.
He would probably have to turn those off soon.
He should probably just do it now.
"Wow," she murmured, laughing.
"No, no, no," he said, stumbling over his hasty denials.
"Of course, I do.
Sorry." At least he sounded sorry, and looked it.
He dropped his hand, and his face was visible in profile for a second, dejected and uncomfortable, before the camera swung back to show the floor and the toes of a pair of nondescript black shoes.
Travis called.
Jude wondered whether he should pick up.
They had a game the next day, didn't they?
He should probably pick up.
No one else on the team had called yet, although they might have texted him.
His coach had called, and for the first time in his career, Jude had intentionally not answered.
He had sat right there, staring at his phone.
Letting the call go the voicemail.
"No, hey, don't apologize." She sounded so sweet, so endearing.
So earnest.
What had he done to deserve that from her?
"I just...
I have a feeling, and-and maybe I'm completely off-base here, but I don't know, I feel like maybe you would rather be kissing...
Graham?"
Jude closed his eyes and shuddered.
The television across from him was playing, muted.
He had it tuned to one of those channels that played constant programming about sports even when there were no games or interviews to broadcast, and he was waiting.
Maybe he would have better luck if he tried FlashWire or something on that level, but even now, Jude couldn't bring himself to watch that.
The camera rose again, moving behind the wooden partition to show his face as he shuddered and pushed back in his chair, breath hitching across the static humming beneath the poor audio.
He was glancing about quickly, nervously, but obviously not in the right direction because henever noticedthe camera pointed at his blank face and red eyes.
Her hand flexed on his wrist as she leaned forward.
"Hey, hey, it's—it's really okay."
"'S not," he said, and his voice almost cracked.
Humiliating.
Another pause.
The pathetic attempt, not convincing, which followed:
"I do like you, I really do.
I like talking with you, I like being with you.
I like all of it." She didn't respond.
She was focused on him and didn't seem to notice the camera either.
"I know the-" the audio blurred as he dropped into a whisper "-problem, but-"
"It's not a problem," she insisted, gentle.
"A problem is something you can fix."