Chapter 4

If I could go back, I wouldn't keep swallowing it all. I'd stand up for myself.

When did Arthur start changing?

Maybe it was after all those little things from the dream started coming true, and he really started believing it.

He didn't flip overnight. It happened bit by bit, almost like I didn't notice until it was too late.

First, he'd forget our anniversary. Then he'd work late and not bother to tell me. After that, he just started ghosting my texts.

Then Arthur started coming home late, smelling like some other woman, his phone on silent, screen face-down on the table.

I asked him once, "What's your relationship with that woman?"

He shot me a look I'll never forget. He was not guilty, not ashamed, just straight-up annoyed.

He said, "Tiana, can you stop being so sensitive? I told you, we'll end up together. I still love you, so just let the rest slide."

He made cheating sound like it was just some side plot, like those women were just extras in the story.

My pain and sadness were written into the plot, like it was all for show.

During that time, I kept having the same dream over and over. I'd be standing on a road, and Arthur was on the other side.

I'd try to walk toward him, but the road kept stretching out. Every step I took, it got even longer, like I'd never reach him.

I'd call out to him in the dream, but he couldn't hear me.

He was talking to someone else, laughing like he was having the time of his life.

When I woke up, I realized reality was just like the dream.

Arthur was right there beside me, but it was like he was out of reach.

It was like I disappeared from his world. Ever since he started believing in that story, he stopped caring if he lost me.

No matter what, the ending was already set in stone. We'd get back together, get married, and spend our whole lives together.

I kept waiting, hoping he'd finally take his eyes off those other women and just notice me again.

But even as I was dying, he never once looked my way.

I asked myself what I was even waiting for.

Was I really waiting for someone who'd already changed to turn back into the person he used to be?

Was I hoping someone who stopped loving me would suddenly love me again?

Or was I waiting for someone who thought I'd never leave, to finally regret it when he lost me?

I didn't know.

Could I ever really forget those nights he spent with other women?

If I hadn't had that dream, if I'd never known about that book, would he have turned out like this?

I didn't know.

That dream gave Arthur an excuse to act out however he pleased.

He could hurt me all he wanted, without a shred of guilt.

I'd woken up, but he was still lost in that dream.

My phone buzzed again. It wasn't Arthur. It was Lucia Forrest.

She asked, "Hey, wanna grab dinner tonight? It's been forever since we last hung out."

I thought about it for a moment, then decided to go see Lucia.

If I skipped seeing her this time, I might never get another chance.

I put on some makeup to hide my sickly pallor.

I threw on a turtleneck to cover up my jutting collarbones.

I'd lost so much weight that my old clothes just hung off me now.

When Lucia saw me, she frowned. "Did you lose weight?"

"I'm dieting," I replied.

"Dieting? Girl, you were never even chubby."

"Just haven't been hungry lately."

"Not hungry? You used to eat like a champ! Two plates of spaghetti, no problem. Now you're telling me you don't have an appetite?"

I smiled and didn't say anything.

Lucia really went all out, ordering a whole spread of my old favorites, like grilled steak, garlic butter shrimp, and onion rings.

Lucia kept piling food onto my plate. "Eat up. You're so skinny."

Then she suddenly put down her fork. "Tia, what's really going on with you and Arthur?"

"Nothing," I said.

"Nothing? He's out every night, and you just let him?"

"I can't stop him."

"What do you mean you can't stop him? You're his girlfriend! Since when did you start acting like this, Tiana?"

Lucia spoke a little too loudly, and the people at the next table turned to look at us.

I tugged at her sleeve and said, "Let's just eat, okay?"

"Tiana, what's really going on in your head? Just be honest with me," Lucia pressed.

"It's nothing. Let's leave it at that," I said.

Lucia looked at me, her eyes red. "You weren't like this before. You used to be so proud. No one dared mess with you, and if they did, you'd go off on them right away.

"Don't you remember? Back in college, when that guy talked trash about you, you chased him for three blocks, cursing him out the whole way."

I remembered. Back then, I never let anything slide.

"People change," I said.

"But you can't let yourself become so weak! You're Tiana!" Lucia said.

I was dying. What was the point of fighting anymore?

Lucia didn't realize she'd never get to see me become myself again.

After dinner, she drove me home.

The whole ride was quiet. She didn't say a single word.

When we were almost at my apartment, she finally broke the silence and said softly, "Tia, if you're ever feeling down, just tell me, okay?"

"Okay," I replied.

"Don't carry it all by yourself. I'm here for you."

"Okay."

"Are you feeling unwell lately? You look really pale. Even your foundation can't cover it."

"Maybe I haven't been sleeping well."

"Go see a doctor. Don't put it off."

"Okay."

As I was about to get out of the car, Lucia suddenly grabbed my hand.

She looked at me, her lips moving like she wanted to say something, but in the end, she just smiled and said, "It's nothing. Get some rest, okay?"

She drove off, her taillights shrinking into the night until they finally disappeared.

I stood by the curb, the wind nipping at my skin. I wiped away my tears and walked into the apartment complex.

Behind me, the street was empty, and the streetlights flickered off one by one.

When Arthur came back from Sciera, I didn't go to pick him up at the airport.

He walked in, a little tanner than before, looking in a good mood.

He opened his suitcase, pulled out a bag, and tossed it to me. "Here, this is for you."

I opened it and saw a scarf, still in the duty-free bag.

He said, "Aren't you going to open it and see if you like it?"

I unwrapped it. It was a purple scarf with a floral pattern. It was way too old-fashioned for someone my age.

"It's nice," I said.

He smiled and didn't say anything else.

I caught a whiff of cologne on him. It wasn't his, and it wasn't the scent that woman used.

It was something new.

While he was in the shower, I took his dirty clothes out of his suitcase.

I went through them one by one, checking the pockets for anything he might have left behind.

Two pairs of his underwear were missing. He probably left them at the hotel and didn't bother to bring them back.

I sorted the clothes, putting the darks together and the lights together.

As the washing machine started spinning, Arthur came out of the shower.

He was wearing a bathrobe, his hair still dripping wet. He walked over and hugged me from behind. "Did you miss me?"

I didn't say anything.

He kissed my neck, then let go and went to the fridge to grab a beer.

"I had a blast this time," he said, settling onto the couch. "Next time, you should come with me."

Arthur turned on the TV and started channel surfing, but nothing really caught his attention.

Suddenly, he asked, "Have you lost weight?"