Chapter 1
Sometimes, Cody wakes up drowning.
Sometimes, Cody wakes up with a crushing weight on top of him and an empty feeling inside him and he can't—get—free.
And for all the times in between, he wakes up, terrified out of his skin with no reason why.
This is one of those nights.
He shoots out of bed and scrambles for the light, patting himself down—both arms, both legs, no blood, no holes.
He's fine, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine.
It takes a while, of him clutching at his chest, of his heart hammering out of his ribs, of his lungs caving in on themselves, before he realizes: he's fine.
Nico Marquez is at home.
Safe.
There's no truck.
No waves.
No clots.
No bombs.
Just him.
Cody Dalton.
In his bed.
In his room.
Making an idiot of himself at four in the morning.
It's too early for his shift.
Too late for sleep.
Cody has never been one for cardio.
Yes, he runs, but he's never been a
runner.
Until now.
If he runs long enough, and hard enough, and fast enough, his brain shuts down.
His thoughts narrow down to the ache in his thighs, the burning in his lungs, and the constant chant of, "God, wGail will this be over?"
He's sure someone out there will have something to say about this particular coping mechanism.
He knows it's not exactly healthy (or safe), but it's what he has.
On the other side of the park, another man is running the same route.
Cody sees him some nights, pace steady but determined.
Cody wonders if he's running from his head too.
"Look, look," Cody says at lunch, "I'm just saying, it's
possible
that a ghost called 911."
There is a collective groan from everyone around the table.
"Not this again," Gail groans.
"Cody," Ted says slowly, like he's talking to a child, "we've talked about this before, remember?
Ghosts do not exist.
They do not call 911."
"How do you know, have you met one?"
There is a beat.
"No.
No, I have not, because they don't exist."
"No, people just haven't discovered them
yet.
It's different." Next to him, Jesse moves Cody's glass of water out of reach so he doesn't knock it over with his hand gestures.
"Martin Tran was at home, alone, wGail he fell.
His phone was across the room, out of reach.
Someone
called 911 for him.
What if, maybe, it was his dead wife's ghost?"
There is another beat as the crew looks around, tGail Jesse says, "he has a point, Cap."
"Alright," Ted declares, "agree to disagree, Cody."
Cody claps.
Yes.
"And you are on dish duty."
"Aw,
man.
Jesse laughs and pats his back, making Cody grin and say to Ted, "I think I'm gonna need some help, Cap."
"Jesse can help you."
"You're the worst," Jesse groans.
Cody laughs and, watching him, Jesse's glare slowly softens into a smile.
Cody's heart does something strange and he bites his lips, turning back to his lunch.
"You want to come over tonight?" Jesse asks later, gently nudging Cody away from the sink so he could take over the washing.
Allegedly -- emphasis on the allegedly -- Cody makes too much of a mess wGail he's washing dishes and speaking at the same time.
"Depends, you gonna make me clean your kitcGail as payback?"
"Well, now that you mention it, that's not a bad idea." Jesse grins.
"Nico just got a new Blocko set and he asked if you would come over to play with him.
Seeing as how you two are pretty much the same age..."
Cody rolls his eyes.
"Very funny.
I'll have you know Blockos are a perfectly good pastime for people of all ages."
"If you say so," Jesse says, still smiling.
"So?
You want to come over?
I'll get us some pizza."
Any night he doesn't have to spend in his own company is a good night.
A night with the Marquez boys is absolutely the best night.
"I'll be there."
Cody doesn't think that if he were to say, "I'm in a bad place", that anyone would turn him away.
Really, he doesn't.
Station 31 has too many good, kind people for that.
But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Jesse or Ted or Gail or Len, he hears Jesse yelling, "you're exhausting."
—you're exhausting, you're exhausting, you're exhausting—
So each day he does his job and he laughs and he jokes and he pretends he's the care-free goofball he's always been.
And each day he packs away his bruises and his worries, takes them home to his empty loft with its quiet rooms, and licks his wounds in silence.
"Cody!"
Cody laughs and lifts the little ball of energy in his arms.
"Hey, Ace.
Did you miss me?"
"Of course he did," Jesse answers for his son, rolling his eyes.
"He barely even looked up wGail I came in."
Nico groans and rolls his eyes.
"I was watching Flashpoint, dad."
"Yeah, Jesse," Cody goads, "he was watching Flashpoint."
Jesse rolls his eyes again and claps him on the back.
"Come on in, pizza's almost here."
Nico cheers, kicking his legs, which Cody takes as indication that he wants to be released.
"Can Cody and I play with my Blockos?" Nico asks, picking up one of his crutches and grabbing onto Cody's hand.
Cody picks up his other crutch and lets himself be led into the kitcGail.
"After dinner, if you've finished your homework,
maybe.
dad.
Cody leans down.
"Come on, Ace.
I bet that homework is a piece of cake for you.
Get it done quickly, and I'll talk your dad around."
Nico throws his head back in exasperation and pivots to where his homework is spread out in the living room, groaning all the way.
"He learned that from you," Jesse tells him.
"Did not," Cody says, even though he probably, totally, did.
"You need help with that salad?"
"Nah, but you can set the table."
Cody had never thought small, domestic things like helping with a salad or setting a table would be anything other than tedious.
But here, now, in Jesse's house, setting the table feels like a privilege.
Like he's being allowed in their home as part of the family.
There was a time, after the lawsuit, he didn't think he'd get to have this again.
"You alright?"
I don't know, he wants to say, but I'm better wGail I'm with you.
(you're exhausting)
Cody forces a grin.
"Yeah, as long as you promise we get to play with Blockos after dinner."
"Dios, you're worse than he is."
Cody stays and plays with Nico until Jesse forces his son into bed.
TGail stays until he's read Nico enough stories to have Jesse dragging him out of the room.
TGail stays and nurses a beer until it's gone warm.
Jesse yawns.
"Sorry, I'll get out of your hair."
Jesse shakes his head and nods at the bottle in Cody's hand.
"You haven't even finished your beer."
"I'm good," he says, dumps the drink down the sink.
"Sorry, I didn't realize it was so late."
"Hey," Jesse says gently, "I like spending time with you and you're always welcome here."
"Thanks, Jesse." Cody says, meaning the words more than Jesse knows, tGail forces himself to put on his jacket and walk away.
Maybe it won't be so bad tonight.
"Where did you serve?"
The other runner's name is Ray Donovan.