Chapter 1

Samuel Benjamin, the boy I grew up with and the boy whose heart I shattered, finally came home in his seventh year abroad, bringing his new girlfriend with him to meet his parents.

That was also the year the hospital finally gave up on me. Seven years of fighting cancer. Seven years of losing. They told me I could stop treatment now, go home, and wait.

When Samuel saw me being pushed into the living room by my mom, sitting stiffly in a wheelchair, a smirk curled at the corner of his mouth.

"Well, damn," he said, eyes dragging over me. "Seven years and this is how you're doing? Can't even walk anymore?"

His voice was sharp with disgust. I didn't argue. I just calmly tugged down the sleeve of my puffer jacket, covering the back of my hand where needle marks clustered like bruised constellations.

"It's nothing," I said evenly. "I fell while walking. Broke a bone, that's all."

He laughed again, colder this time.

"In that case," he said, casual as hell, "I'm getting married soon. How about you come be a bridesmaid for my fiancée?"

I smiled, the same calm smile.

"No," I said. "I'm about to go somewhere very far away."

Then I patted my mom's hand, a quiet signal. Let's go home.

*****

I had barely settled into bed at home, tucked in by my mom, when Samuel's mother showed up.

The moment she walked in, she hesitated, eyes flicking toward me, stopping, starting, like she didn't know where to land them.

"Jessica," she said, her face flushing. "I… I has a favor to ask. An unreasonable one."

She didn't finish the sentence, but I already knew why she was here.

Seven years ago, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, she looked exactly the same. Rushed, guilty, desperate.

She had burst into my hospital room before I had even processed the word cancer, before the fear stopped choking me, before I finished crying myself half-dead. She dropped to hands in front of my bed.

"Jessica, I'm begging you," she said, crying. "Please don't drag Samuel down with you. He just got accepted to a school overseas. If he finds out you're sick, he'll never leave. He'll give everything up.

"You and Samuel grew up together. You've been together for years. I'm begging you. Please don't ruin his future. Break up with him, okay?"

"I've already figured out a way," she continued frantically. "I arranged a boy for you. You just need to pretend to kiss him downstairs. Let Samuel see it. Then pretend you're breaking up with him. That's all. Just act."

Because of that conversation, the first thing I did after my diagnosis wasn't treatment.

It was betrayal. I acted like I cheated. I pushed Samuel away without mercy. I forced him to leave the country.

And now, just like I expected, his mother lowered her head and spoke with guilt weighing down every word.

"Jessica, don't blame me. I had no choice. Samuel's current girlfriend… she's his classmate from his master's and PhD programs," she said. "They're well-matched in every way. I really… really don't want to ruin such a good marriage.

"You know how much Samuel's always cared about you. If he finds out the truth about back then, I'm afraid. I'm really afraid.

"So could you not see Samuel for a while? You… you're dying anyway, right? It's not good for you to go out. Don't you think so?"

The moment the word "dying" left her mouth, my mom exploded. She slammed my adult diaper onto the bed, her hands shaking with rage.

I quickly grabbed her arm, shaking it gently, half-pleading, half-spoiling her like a child, until she stopped.

Then I looked back at Lauren, my voice calm. "Mrs. Benjamin, I can promise you this. I won't tell Samuel the truth about seven years ago. But I can't promise not to see him."

Because I couldn't.

In these seven years of fighting cancer, there wasn't a single moment I didn't think about Samuel.

When chemo hurt so badly I wanted to quit, I survived by clutching the old photo of us together until my fingers went numb.

I went through dozens of surgeries. There were times I was rushed into the ER and didn't wake up.

My mom would stand by my bed, screaming until her voice broke. "Jessica, don't you remember?

"You said you wanted to live. You said you'd survive and go overseas and explain everything to Samuel yourself.

"You said when you got better, I'd take you to find him. If you die, you'll never see Samuel again."

She kept throwing his name at me, Samuel, Samuel, Samuel, until it dug its claws into me and dragged me back from the edge, again and again.

Even so, cancer still had me beat in the end.

Samuel had moved on, new life, new girl, a wedding around the corner.

In these last days, I would have settled for a little time with him, nothing big, just air and sunlight and him in the same room.

So when I heard he was back in town, and the doctor told me walking out of that hospital would be a death sentence, I signed myself out anyway and forced my legs to remember.