Chapter 1
The day my twelfth embryo transfer failed, I walked out of the fertility clinic alone, clutching the test results in my hand.
Then I saw my husband kneeling at the other end of the hallway, tying my best friend's daughter's shoelaces.
The little girl wrapped her arms around his neck and called him one word.
"Daddy."
I stopped cold.
Ten minutes earlier, my doctor had looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, Evelyn. It didn't work."
My hands were still cold.
My lower abdomen still ached from the treatment, and the needle mark from that morning's blood draw was still visible on my arm.
Twenty feet away, Nathan lifted the little girl into his arms.
"Lily, don't be scared."
He touched her feverish forehead and kissed it gently.
"Daddy's right here."
His voice was so tender it almost sounded unfamiliar.
That morning, Nathan had held me before leaving home and said something urgent had come up at work. He couldn't go to the clinic with me.
"Tell me as soon as you get the results, okay?"
"Whatever happens, we'll face it together."
So when the doctor told me my twelfth transfer had failed, I didn't even cry.
I simply took out my phone and typed:
"It failed again."
I never sent it.
Because Nathan was here.
Just not for me.
The exam room door opened.
Claire stepped out.
My best friend.
She carried Lily's coat and water bottle. The moment she saw Nathan, she walked straight to him and casually fixed his collar.
"She had a fever all night," Claire said. "She kept asking for you in her sleep."
Nathan frowned.
"Why didn't you call me sooner?"
Claire smiled.
"I didn't want to bother you."
Nathan looked down at Lily.
"She's my daughter. She's never a bother."
My fingers tightened around the test results, crushing the paper in my hand.
She's my daughter.
For seven years, the words I had feared most were always the same.
"You're not pregnant."
But now I finally understood.
Nathan had never lost his chance to become a father.
I was the only one who had been losing anything.
"Daddy," Lily said again. "I was really brave today. Do I get a reward?"
Nathan smiled.
"What do you want?"
"Ice cream!"
"No."
He tapped her nose playfully.
"When you're better, Daddy will take you."
Lily pouted.
Claire laughed.
Then Nathan wrapped one arm around Claire's waist while holding Lily with the other.
Claire didn't pull away.
She leaned into him.
The three of them stood laughing together in the bright hospital hallway.
They didn't even need to hide.
I was the one standing alone in the shadows.
Holding the results of my twelfth failed transfer.
Watching my husband live the life I had spent seven years begging for.
Then my phone buzzed.
A message from Nathan.
"Something came up. I have to meet a client in New Jersey. I might be home late tonight."
I stared at the screen.
Then I looked up at him.
Nathan was helping Lily into her coat.
After zipping it up, he kissed her cheek.
"Come on."
"Daddy will take you and Mommy home."
Home.
My husband.
My best friend.
Their daughter.
Their home.
And I had no idea how long it had existed.
The three of them stepped into the elevator.
Just before the doors closed, Lily peeked over Nathan's shoulder.
"Daddy, will you still read me a bedtime story tonight?"
Nathan smiled.
"Of course."
My phone buzzed again.
Another message from him.
"Love you. Don't overthink things."
I stared at those words.
For the first time, they almost made me laugh.
The elevator doors closed.
I looked down and deleted the message I had been about to send him.
"It failed again."
Then I saved his lies.
Because now, there was only one thing I wanted to know.
While I was losing our child over and over again, how long had he been playing husband and father to someone else?