Chapter 1

After we got back together, I found a pack of ultra-thin 001s in Ryan Foster's passenger seat.

I quietly picked it up and put it away without asking a single question or making a scene.

Ryan glanced at me, his expression complicated. Then he explained on his own, "Look again. The whole box is still here. We just ran out at home."

I simply hummed and leaned against the uncomfortable seat, pretending to sleep.

Until he pulled the car over and spoke in a gentle voice, "Let's buy some supplements. We'll go to your parents' place together for New Year's Day and visit your Mom."

I couldn't hold back my tears. I turned away from him, hiding my face.

My mother had already passed away, and he still didn't know.

*****

"Emily? Are you even listening to me?" Ryan's voice dropped, heavy with pressure.

I said in a hoarse voice, "No need."

There was no need to go back. Not anymore.

But Ryan misunderstood me and leaned in, watching me closely.

Ryan asked, "Are you mad? Come on, trust me, okay? Or you can count them yourself if you want."

As he spoke, he opened the box and tipped all the condoms out for me to see.

His eyes were a mix of helplessness and affection, like he was looking at a kid throwing a tantrum.

I wiped my tears and glanced at Ryan, trying to sound calm. "I'm really not mad."

Ryan leaned over, wrapped his arms around me, and sighed. "You say you're not mad, but I can tell you are.

"You've always wanted me to go home with you, haven't you?

"This New Year's, it's rare that I don't have any social obligations.

"If we miss this chance, who knows when we'll get another?"

His hand gently soothed my back, just like he always did.

But I pushed him away, feeling numb, and nodded. "Okay, let's go."

My mom kept saying before she died that Ryan was always too busy with work and never got the chance to see her one last time.

If Ryan had time on New Year's, it would be good for him to pay his respects.

After the divorce, there would be no reason to ask him to go anymore.

I bought a bunch of stuff online, and most of it was paper money for the dead.

I figured I'd better burn a little extra paper money. Who knows, maybe the afterlife got inflation too.

But when New Year's Day rolled around, Ryan didn't show up.

Honestly, I'd kind of expected it. I calmly accepted that he might not make it to the train.

So I took a cab to the train station by myself.

It wasn't until the train started moving that Ryan finally called me.

He said, "Sorry, I got caught up with something here and couldn't make it."

"Can you reschedule your ticket? Maybe we can head out tonight together?"

I stared out the window at the scenery slipping by, swallowing my tears.

I said, "No need. I'm already on my way."

I didn't even bother to ask why.

But Ryan spoke up, trying to explain, "This time, it's really not because of Sophie.

"Something came up with a project I thought was settled. I really thought I'd make it.

"Emily, don't make a fuss."

I really didn't get why he thought I was acting up. I kept my voice calm. "I know you're busy. You can come tomorrow."

It was no big deal. I would just wait another day.

Ryan let out a sigh of relief.

He said, "Be good and wait for me, alright? When I get there, I'll cook lamb stew for your mom.

"She always said my cooking was her favorite. It's probably been years since she got to taste it.

"This time, I promise I'll—"

"I'm tired. I just want to sleep for a bit," I interrupted him, unable to hold back my tears as they rolled down my face.

I wanted to yell at him.

My mom would never get to taste it! Where was he all this time?

But I was just too tired.

I didn't want to argue anymore.

We'd fought so much, I was just exhausted.

It felt like I was shamelessly desperate for his attention, like I had no dignity at all.

As long as he showed up, that was enough for me.

Just let him come and pay his respects. As long as my mom could see him, that was all that mattered.

It would make all those years my mom spent raising him worth it.

It would make all those years I took him in, and all those years he ate at our house, worth it.

But in the end, I'd overestimated him.

When Robert saw me come back alone again, he looked pretty upset.

That night, Linda hesitantly asked, "Did you and Ryan have a fight?

"Back when your mom was in the hospital, she actually noticed something was off, but she kept quiet because she didn't want to make you sad.

"Try not to be so stubborn. Now that your parents are gone, Ryan's really the only one you can count on.

"Don't waste time, you should really think about having a baby soon."

I listened quietly and told her Ryan would be coming over tomorrow.

I explained, "His company's been struggling these past few years, so he's always busy with work and social obligations.

"When my mom was in the hospital, he kept saying he wanted to come visit. Don't worry; we're fine."

I wasn't about to let my family find out I was planning to leave him.

I just couldn't be bothered to listen to their attempts to play peacemaker.

But I didn't expect Ryan to bail on me again.

That morning, he told me he was on his way to the train station.

Robert went out of his way to butcher a chicken he'd been raising all year, and Linda was up at the crack of dawn to buy groceries.

Linda said, "It's good he's finally coming. He didn't even show up at your mom's funeral, and everyone in the village thought you'd been left behind.

"Now, that'll shut them up for good.

"Make sure you come back and visit us more often."

Linda kept fussing in the kitchen, chatting away as she worked.

But after they'd set out a whole table of food, none of my calls to Ryan went through.

"Let's just eat," I said.

I tried to keep it together, guilt washing over me as I met their eyes.

Linda and Robert exchanged a glance and nodded.

"Alright, let's just eat then," Linda said. "I'll go get Grace and Alex to come over. There's way too much food for just us.

"They can go with you to pay respects later."

As she spoke, Linda hurried off to get the plates and bowls.

By the time we sat down, the food was already cold from sitting out in the winter air for half an hour.

I forced myself to smile, barely holding back my tears.

Robert suddenly sat down next to me and gently ruffled my hair.

He said, "You've always been strong-willed, even as a kid. If you want something, just go for it.

"If your dad were still around, he'd never let you go through all this.

"My house will always be your home. You've still got family here, so don't let your aunt's words get to you. Live your life for yourself; do what makes you happy."

I gave Robert a small smile, then got up and headed to the bathroom.

I didn't come out until I'd finished crying.

Robert and Linda were in the kitchen, heating up the food, when my phone rang.

It was Ryan calling.

Ryan said, "She's in the hospital, having surgery.

"It's life or death. I can't just ignore her.

"Emily, just wait until tomorrow. I'll come pick you both up.

"And I'll bring your mom over to stay for a few days, too."