Chapter 1
Over Christmas Eve dinner, I happily announced that I was pregnant.
My mother immediately chimed in, "Eric, let me find you a young, lively maid.
"Claire has always been lazy, and now that she's pregnant, she'll be even more useless.
"With a young girl around, she can handle the housework and take care of your physical needs so you don't have to suffer while Claire is expecting."
My husband nearly choked on his food.
I put down my fork, annoyed.
I said, "Mom, what kind of joke is that?"
My mother gave me a dark, sidelong glare.
She said, "I'm not joking. What man stays faithful during his wife's pregnancy?
"When I was pregnant with you, your father was fooling around behind my back. All men cheat, so why should your husband be any different?"
A surge of anger rose in my chest.
Just because her husband had cheated, why on earth did she think mine would do the same?
*****
Eric looked like he was walking on eggshells. He nervously wiped the sweat from his forehead, then grabbed my hand tightly.
"Mom, don't test me. I swear, I'll never cheat on Claire or do anything to betray her," Eric said firmly.
My mom's smile stiffened on her face.
Jealousy quickly spread across her eyes.
"Oh, my foolish son-in-law, Claire did you dirty long ago. Why bother staying faithful to her?" she sneered.
My eyes went wide. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"Mom, are you making stuff up again? I've never done anything to hurt Eric," I fired back.
My mom shot me a smug look, as if she'd been waiting for this. She pulled a crumpled homework sheet out of her bag.
She handed it to Eric, lowering her voice.
She bragged, "This is a love letter Claire wrote to a boy back in high school. I found it and took it away right then. Then I made a hundred copies and posted them everywhere for everyone to see.
"She was only eighteen and already sending flirty love letters to boys. I could never be that bold. What does that say?
"It means Claire was never innocent, not even in her mind. By the time she got with you, she was already damaged goods.
"I was a virgin bride and still got no respect after getting married. If she's already used up, you don't have to pamper her. Cheat if you want, and no one's stopping you."
My mom let out a cold, mocking laugh.
She couldn't look more disdainful.
I clenched my fists, letting my nails dig deep into my skin.
Thin lines of blood burned across my flesh, but the pain didn't register at all.
Those painful memories were drowning me.
Growing up, my mom's go-to line was always, "If I never had it, why should you?" That was basically her catchphrase.
She said, "When I was your age, I never wore a bra, so why do you need one? Just tie a rag around yourself, that's good enough.
"Don't expect me to buy you sanitary pads. No one ever bought them for me, so why should I buy them for you? Figure it out yourself."
I never had any new clothes, never owned a bra, and didn't even have any pads to use.
When I was eighteen, a thoughtful boy in my class noticed I was struggling. He blushed as he handed me a bunch of feminine products.
He told me, "If you ever need help, come to me."
I was so touched that I wrote him a thank-you letter.
But my mom insisted it was a love letter. She said I had no shame and was convinced that if the boy bought me pads, I must have already slept with him.
She dragged me to the clinic for a virginity check, as if I were some criminal she needed proof against.
When the results showed my hymen was still intact, she looked dazed. She was let down by the news.
But she quickly changed her tune.
She sneered, "So, what if you're still a virgin? You were writing love letters to boys at eighteen, so you lost your innocence long ago, at least in your mind.
"You're just cheap trash, and you'll never be worthy of a decent guy.
"I was a pure girl and still ended up with a loser like your dad. You're just trash, so you'll only ever end up with trash."
My mom took my thank-you letter and rewrote it into an explicit, provocative love note.
Then she made a hundred copies and plastered them everywhere at school.
After that, the boy avoided me like I was the plague.
My classmates mocked me and looked at me with nothing but contempt.
I ended up completely alone. Even the teacher who once believed in me treated me with disgust. Eventually, I escaped that town through my grades.
My job was going great, and I was making more and more money.
Eventually, my mom actually apologized for everything she'd done back then.
She claimed she was just scared I'd start dating in high school and mess up my life and future.
I thought she'd finally changed, but she was digging up the past and badmouthing me right in front of Eric.
Eric looked at the letter, totally confused, then gave my mom a look as if she was crazy.
He said, "Emily, whether this is real or not, it's just stuff that happened ages ago and doesn't matter anymore.
"I don't care about the past. I only care about what comes next.
"I'm happy with Claire, and trust me, I'll never cheat on her."
Eric squeezed my hand tight.
His warmth seeped into my cold knuckles, slowly thawing them.
Most of the anger inside me started to dissipate.