Chapter 1

After I was diagnosed with dementia, I became the quietest one in the family.

My son, Wayne Clements, fit the whole house with cameras, worried that something might happen to me.

To take care of me, my daughter, Jocelyn Clements, gave up the chance of a promotion for an overseas posting and transferred back to the local branch.

My husband, Shane Clements, pointed at the photo album and showed me the pictures over and over again every single day.

He would say, "Elodie, look. We've been married for forty-two years. If only you could remember.

"This place feels so empty and cold without you."

Until Christmas Eve, when I suddenly regained my clarity.

Overjoyed, I hurried into the kitchen to prepare Christmas Eve dinner.

Shane loved slow-cooked pork, so tender it fell apart. Wayne liked sweet and sour pork that wasn't too sour. And cream buns were always Jocelyn's favorite.

I was bustling about in the kitchen when Shane, usually so gentle, suddenly burst in and overturned my pot.

He said, "What on earth were you doing? Couldn't you leave us in peace on such a holiday? Did you have to make the whole family revolve around you to be satisfied?"

I trembled all over in fear. "I-I only wanted to cook a meal for everyone."

He said, "Cook a meal? What kind of good Christmas can we have with a burden like you around?

"Look at you, you've ruined all the food I prepared. We're having guests today. Did you even know that? You're such a burden, you'd be better off dead."

I opened my mouth to speak, but the tears fell first.

Shane barked at me, "Get lost! Go back to your room. Stop being an eyesore here."

I walked slowly into the bedroom and gently closed the door.

So, it was only without me that they could have a good Christmas.

*****

I went back to my bedroom and slumped down onto the floor.

My heart felt like it was caught in a vice, aching and tight.

Suddenly, there was a sound outside the door.

Wayne and Jocelyn were back.

Then Shane started grumbling, "Just look at this mess. How many times have I told her to stay out of the kitchen? She never remembers. Now the whole place is a disaster."

Jocelyn sounded annoyed. "Dad, Mom's like this now. There's no point getting upset with her. Let's just clean up before Alyssa gets here. It's embarrassing if she sees this."

Wayne chimed in, "Alyssa hardly ever comes over for Christmas. And Mom had to stir things up right now. She's really making it harder for everyone."

I had spent nearly forty years cooking for my family.

Whenever Shane ate my cooking, he'd sigh and say, "The happiest thing in my life is coming home to a hot meal you made. No matter how tired I am, it's all worth it."

For thirty years, the kids would crowd around me, always calling out, "Mom, can I have this?"

But the first meal I made after regaining my senses ended up causing trouble.

My husband sighed so heavily outside the door that it made my heart ache.

"Alyssa loves my steamed white fish. I picked out the freshest one and marinated it all day. Now it's all ruined," he said.

Alyssa Mendez.

Hearing that name was like someone turning a key in my mind. It unlocked everything.

I suddenly remembered it all.

She was Shane's first love and later his partner in the senior choir. Her husband passed away a few years back, and she had been alone.

They were always singing together, and sometimes they'd even go shopping together.

I used to lie on Shane's lap, poking his chest with a smile. "Shane, are you still not over Ms. Mendez?"

He pinched my nose, his eyes wrinkled up from laughing.

He said, "Come on, we're way too old for that. Who else would put up with an old fool like me except you? As long as our family's doing well, that's all that matters."

His voice was so gentle then; I really believed him.

My daughter's voice pulled me back to reality. "Dad, don't stress. Alyssa will have plenty more chances to enjoy your cooking. There's still lots of time ahead."

My son added, "Yeah, Dad. With Mom like this... she forgets everything, and her health keeps getting worse. She might not be around much longer. You need to start thinking about your own future."

I knelt on the cold floor, and suddenly, I couldn't help but laugh.

This illness hadn't just stolen my memories.

It had written me off long before I even got a chance to fight.

Everyone in my family was waiting for me to die.

The doorbell rang in the living room.

Shane said, "Alyssa, you're here. Come in."

"Merry Christmas, Alyssa. Wow, you brought so much stuff," Jocelyn said.

Alyssa said, "Jocelyn, you're looking prettier every year. Wayne, you really take after your dad, just as handsome as Shane was back in the day."

Her voice was gentle, with a smile in it, so familiar and warm it felt like she belonged there.

They acted like I didn't even exist.

Steadying myself against the door, I slowly stood up.

I walked to the bed and opened the drawer of the nightstand.

Tucked away at the back was a bottle of sleeping pills.

I didn't know when it had ended up there.

Maybe it had always been waiting for today.

The laughter from the living room kept getting louder, echoing with joy.

They chatted about the choir's latest song, the kids' careers, and their plans for a spring vacation together.

The whole place was filled with warmth and happiness.

I lay down and slipped the pills into my mouth, one by one.

They were bitter.

But they tasted sweeter than listening to their laughter out there.

As I swallowed the pills, my mind drifted to the pot of slow-cooked pork Shane had sent flying.

He always liked it extra sweet. I should have used more sugar for him.

What a waste.