Chapter 2 · I Lost Our Child the Day He Chose Her

I quietly shut the master bedroom door before making my way to the study.

Dean’s bookshelf was always meticulously organized, every book in its place. Whenever he wanted to read something specific, he’d pull it out ahead of time and leave it in the center of the rightmost cabinet. My fingers brushed over the spines until I landed on a thick journal. I opened it, flipping through the pages with a bittersweet ache in my chest.

**October 16, 2014**

Wow. The senior playing the violin at the freshman welcome party was *so* handsome. His name is Dean. I think I might have a little crush on him.

The pages were filled with my raw, unfiltered thoughts about him—every flutter of my heart, every stolen glance. And tucked between the pages was an ultrasound report.

**January 19, 2023**

Dean and I are going to have a baby. I can’t wait to tell him. He’s always wanted to be a father, and I know he’ll be over the moon.

**January 20, 2023**

Dean didn’t come home last night. I wanted to text him about the pregnancy, but it felt like something I should say in person. He’ll be so happy… right?

**January 21, 2023**

Dean said he was on a “business trip” and forgot to tell me. Fine. I’ll tell him when he gets back.

**January 22, 2023**

I saw Marina’s Instagram post. Not sure if it’s visible only to me, but Dean was with her. They went on a getaway together. So, it wasn’t a business trip after all.

**January 23, 2023**

Marina called me. She wants me to divorce Dean and “give him back” to her. But wasn’t *she* the one who left him to go abroad? How do I “give him back” when I didn’t take him away? Her call upset me so much I ended up with stomach pains and had to go to the hospital. The doctor told me to stay calm, but how am I supposed to do that?

**February 24, 2023**

Marina says she’s divorced now, and Dean is going to celebrate with her. My stomach hurts again, and I feel nauseous. I drank some herbal tea to protect the baby, but it tasted awful.

**February 26, 2023**

Dean told me the office had a gathering, so he wouldn’t be home tonight. But I know he’s with Marina. Oh, baby, I’m sorry. You might not have a dad because he can’t let go of his past.

**February 27, 2023**

Dean got into a car accident last night. He woke up today and remembers everyone… except me. It’s over.

I placed the journal back in the center of the rightmost bookshelf, making sure it was positioned lower so he’d notice it within a couple of months.

The third drawer of the desk was where I kept my personal belongings. I tucked the medical records inside and locked it up.

It was time to end all this toxicity. I needed to cut ties with everything and everyone that brought me pain—Marina, Dean, even Dean’s pretentious parents.

A jerk doesn’t change, and I’m not holding my breath for him to have a sudden epiphany. But once I’m gone, I won’t let them live their lives so comfortably either.

Chapter 2

I quietly shut the master bedroom door before making my way to the study.

**October 16, 2014**

Wow. The senior playing the violin at the freshman welcome party was *so* handsome. His name is Dean. I think I might have a little crush on him.

The pages were filled with my raw, unfiltered thoughts about him—every flutter of my heart, every stolen glance. And tucked between the pages was an ultrasound report.

**January 19, 2023**

Dean and I are going to have a baby. I can’t wait to tell him. He’s always wanted to be a father, and I know he’ll be over the moon.

**January 20, 2023**

Dean didn’t come home last night. I wanted to text him about the pregnancy, but it felt like something I should say in person. He’ll be so happy… right?

**January 21, 2023**

Dean said he was on a “business trip” and forgot to tell me. Fine. I’ll tell him when he gets back.

**January 22, 2023**

I saw Marina’s Instagram post. Not sure if it’s visible only to me, but Dean was with her. They went on a getaway together. So, it wasn’t a business trip after all.

**January 23, 2023**

**February 24, 2023**

Marina says she’s divorced now, and Dean is going to celebrate with her. My stomach hurts again, and I feel nauseous. I drank some herbal tea to protect the baby, but it tasted awful.

**February 26, 2023**

Dean told me the office had a gathering, so he wouldn’t be home tonight. But I know he’s with Marina. Oh, baby, I’m sorry. You might not have a dad because he can’t let go of his past.

**February 27, 2023**

Dean got into a car accident last night. He woke up today and remembers everyone… except me. It’s over.

I placed the journal back in the center of the rightmost bookshelf, making sure it was positioned lower so he’d notice it within a couple of months.

The third drawer of the desk was where I kept my personal belongings. I tucked the medical records inside and locked it up.

It was time to end all this toxicity. I needed to cut ties with everything and everyone that brought me pain—Marina, Dean, even Dean’s pretentious parents.

A jerk doesn’t change, and I’m not holding my breath for him to have a sudden epiphany. But once I’m gone, I won’t let them live their lives so comfortably either.