Chapter 1

Bright laser beams shot out of his eyes, splitting the drifting bus into two. The halves skidded across the street with sparks. One crashed against a building, and the other hit a hydrant, sending sprays of water over passers-by.

Yeah, you probably thought that was me, huh? Well, you couldn't be more wrong.

That was Captain X, defender of the cosmos and slayer of Behemoths. He won five Globe awards as the best featured Superhero in Hollywood and... at a point in my life, he was my idol.

And then, there's me... David.

Not Damien, or 'mortal', or 'hooman'–David.

Forgive my rambling, but it's hard not to be mad when everyone says your name wrong.

And my life, if you're wondering, is not as great as Captain X's. It's pathetic even, the result of one incredibly stupid decision I made when I was seven years old.

See, when I was a kid, the monster under my bed slid out one night, dressed in a tailored suit, red skin and sleek black hair.

Yeah, you guessed it right. It was the freaking Devil.

Little me wasn't scared, though. I just watched with curiosity as he promised to grant whatever I wanted. As a seven-year-old, of course I told him I wanted to be a universal superhero like Captain X.

With a smile, the devil pulled out a contract and had me sign it in 'blood'. Unknown to me, buried under paragraphs of nonsense in a six-point font was a clause that said he had the right to take my soul for my wish.

Yeah, blame a seven-year-old for skipping past the terms and conditions.

But you know what the worst part was? The bastard actually kept his word and made me a universal superhero.

Now, I stand outside Universal Films Studios five days a week, dressed in a foam Captain X costume, tickling naughty kids and posing for their entitled parents.

Technically, I am a universal superhero. A lazy joke, if you ask me.

I dropped the mascot head off as I settled into my couch. I had just finished my shift and wanted nothing more than to relax and have my beer. But just as I turned on the news, I heard a soft poof.

"Keep showing up to my house uninvited," I said without turning around, "and I'll have you covering my next month's rent."

"I'm not here to trade barbs with you, mortal," the Devil said behind me.

"It's David," I muttered, trying to push down my rage.

"Shut it, Damien, and let me talk."

"Still not my name."

The Devil ignored that and sat himself down across from me, like we were having some normal meeting. "You remember our last arrangement?"

"Oh, the one that had my life ruined?" I mumbled sarcastically. "How could I fucking forget?"

"Well, what say I... make you an actual Universal Superhero?" the Devil said as he folded his hands. "The real deal."

I turned to him now, my brows knitting as I tilted my head. I wanted to tell him exactly where he could shove his offer, but something about him just felt... different.

Like he was telling the truth.

I paused. Then scoffed at the ridiculousness of the idea.

"Nah."

He shook his head, grunting in frustration. "Would I ever lie to you, Dante?"

I rolled my eyes. The last thing I wanted was the Lord of Hell pestering me. So I gave him the attention he so desperately sought.

"What do you want?"

His lips curled into a smile. "You help me retrieve something precious, and I give you your soul, and your dream to be a Universal Superhero."

I rolled my eyes, my mouth opening to ask him to fuck off, when he suddenly pulled his collar down and drew a cross over his chest with one claw.

"Scout's honor," he said, smiling.

I hesitated, staring at the bleeding wound before asking, "What do you want me to get?"

The Devil snapped his fingers, and a glowing image of a military vessel deep in space materialized in the room.

"Right there," he said, pointing at a blinking light in the vessel, "is what I want."

"And why can't you get it yourself?"

He shrugged. "Heaven's paperwork, spiritual bonding clauses, jurisdictional nonsense you wouldn't understand."

Yeah... Nonsense I wouldn't understand.

Well, it wouldn't hurt to trust him again. I mean... what more could I lose? It beat standing in a hot costume listening to annoying gremlins and their rich-ass parents.

"Okay," I said, nodding. "I'll do it." I looked around the room. "Is there some contract we'll sign?"

"Oh," the Devil said with mock surprise. He snapped his fingers, and a contract appeared in the air, my signature already written in blood at the bottom. "You signed the moment you said you'd do it."

I blinked. "Wait... what?"

"Some new speak-to-sign feature I've been working on," the Devil said, grinning.

Before I could ask what that meant, he snapped his fingers, and the floor opened beneath me like a mouth, pulling me in.

_______________

I dropped to the ground on my hands and knees and immediately threw up. I forgot how much my stomach hated the devil's teleportation antics.

"Welcome, hooman," a voice said above me, "to hell."

I recognized that voice immediately.

Looking up, I found a squat, green demon standing before me. The same demon who'd handed me my "Universal Superhero" employee badge three years ago.

"Grog," I wheezed as I tried looking away from the single loincloth hiding his demon balls. "It's David. Not hooman. David."

Grog, unbothered as always, pointed and said, "Follow, hooman."

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and followed Grog down a corridor. Contrary to popular beliefs, hell isn't all fiery or filled with tortured souls. I mean it is, but not entirely. Smack dab in the middle stood a massive building the Devil called 'his office’–where he so gracefully teleported me to.

After taking a third turn, we walked into a room that instantly made me crack a smile. Wall-to-wall guns, gadgets, gear, machines–it was Superhero paradise.

"Now this," I smacked my hand, grinning, "is what I'm talking about."

Grog grumbled next to me. "Take clothes off."

"O...kay?" I stripped off my mascot uniform, layer by layer, still grinning. "So what's my suit gonna be? Do I get a jetpack? Or–"

Grog just grumbled again, pointing at a beat-up astronaut suit hanging in the corner.

I waited, expecting more, but he just kept his hand up humorlessly. "That's it?" I asked with a frown.

"Hooman weak," Grog explained the best way he could. "Hooman no need gun. Ship security measures overlook hooman."

"Uh, ouch," I mumbled before putting the suit on anyway. Apparently I have no dignity left to protect. "This thing's crushing my–"

"Grog don't care," Grog interrupted.

I stretched the spandex away from my thighs anyway and pulled the helmet on last. "Okay," I said with a deep breath. "I'm ready. How do I get on–"

Grog slammed a button on the wall and the floor opened up again before I finished the sentence.

_______________

I dropped in the space fast, and my stomach spewed out everything it had left. As I flailed toward a rocky planet, puke smeared across my visor, blocking out the view.

*VOMIT DETECTED* a monotone voice called from the suit. *ACTIVATING CLEAN UP PROTOCOL.*

A jet of water hissed out of the helmet, spraying straight into my face instead. I choked on the recycled water, nearly puking again at the taste.

Then the jetpack I didn't know I had kicked on, and I shot forward, fighting against the planet's gravity. When I finally broke through, I let out a loud yell, laughing as I spread my arms out and spun through open stars.

For one full second, I actually felt like the Universal Superhero I'd always wanted to be.

But like all good things in my life, that didn't last.

*WARNING: DEBRIS FIELD AHEAD*, the visor blinked.

I frowned. "Debris field?"

Shit. This was bad.

I could barely see as the puke still hadn't cleared. I flew blind for some minutes, somehow clearing through without a single hit, until everything finally slid loose and pooled somewhere against the back of my helmet.

And that was when I saw it–a massive asteroid the size of a bus.

Yelling, I threw my body sideways and skimmed past it close enough to feel it scrape against my boot.

Another trouble averted.

Past the last of the wreckage sat the dead station, drifting toward a small moon. I flew towards the shimmering field entrance over the hall and phased straight through it.

The moment I landed, I froze.

Inside, guns dotted every wall, all pointing at the entrance. But none of them so much as twitched as I stood there.

And that was when Grog's voice came back to me.

'Ship security overlooks hooman.'

It seemed ridiculous at first. So I tested it.

I performed a slow, committed moonwalk down the corridor. Then proceeded to do a not-so-perfect Dougie. Still, nothing.

Just as I was about to twerk, it hit me someone might actually be watching. So I straightened up fast and kept walking like a professional.

The visor map led me to a small door away from the artillery, and it opened on its own. Hovering inside the empty room was a small glowing orb that didn't really look that important to me.

*TARGET ACQUIRED.*

The moment I grabbed it, every alarm in the station screamed at once. My heart slammed against my chest as the statues lining the walls–statues I hadn't even seen at first–began turning toward me.

"Grog!" I screamed, stepping backward. "PULL ME OUT!"

One noticed me and lifted a foot the size of a dumpster over my head. But before it dropped, the floor opened up under me just in time.

______________

I pulled my helmet off and retched as the orb skidded out of my grip. When I turned to pick it up, I found the Devil standing in front of me, the orb now in his hands.

We were back in his office.

He snapped the device open, revealing a folded piece of paper inside. A smile formed on his face as he held it up.

"You've got your stuff," I hissed, standing up. "Can I get mine now?"

Rolling his eyes, he snapped his fingers, and our contract popped up in front of me. Then it crumpled up and sank straight into my chest.

I paused, waiting for something magical to happen. "Okay? I don't... Really feel anything."

"Impatient mortals," the Devil hissed. "Give it a minute. "

I hesitated for a moment before asking, "What even is that thing?"

He turned the slip over fondly. "Just some clause Heaven cooked up to lock me out of space."

"The jurisdictional nonsense I won't understand?" I asked, frowning. "Wait, why do they want you out of space–"

The Devil tore the paper in half, and the pieces caught fire instantly. Then a loud shriek tore through the building.

"Wait," I looked around, "what just happened?"

"I want to thank you, Damien," he said, smiling wider than I'd ever seen. "Now the world's going to pay."

The floor opened one last time.

_______________

I landed right back on my balcony and didn't even care about the urge to throw up. I looked up at the sky and cursed.

The clouds burned like fire and actual crimson cracks split the stars apart. The sun faded to nothing and out of the darkness crawled something with too many teeth to count. The moon exploded, and large chunks fell to earth, one piece crushing Ms. Dobre's home.

And amidst this chaos, my mind-comm buzzed. I tapped my forehead without thinking, answering the call.

"Congratulations, Danny!" my manager's voice filled my head. "You've officially been promoted to head Universal Mascot. Work's starting Monday at the headquarters in New York." He paused. "Oh, and there's a package here for you... some kind of soul album, from a Mr–"

I hung up immediately and just stood there, watching the universe end.

"Devil," I whispered. "You son of a bitch.”

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