Chapter 1
It was the first day of orientation.
My childhood friend Ryan Brooks fell in love at first sight with my roommate.
To avoid making their dates awkward, my roommate, blushing, introduced me to Alex Reed, a guy who had been pursuing her for a while.
Ryan didn't stop it.
Instead, he raised an eyebrow at me.
He said, "Emily, give it a try. How do you know he isn't right for you?"
But later, when a photo of Alex and me really appeared on my social media feed, Ryan regretted it.
He rushed to my doorstep in the middle of the night, his eyes bloodshot.
He asked, "Emily, are you serious?"
As if I couldn't see his distress, I smiled and nodded.
I said, "Yes, he really is a good fit for me.
"A better fit than you."
*****
On move-in day, Ryan was waiting for me at the entrance.
He had his backpack hanging off one shoulder, just lounging against the wall like he had all the time in the world.
The September sunlight made his tousled hair look almost golden.
When he saw me dragging my heavy suitcase over, he didn't hesitate, just reached out and grabbed it for me.
He just reached out and grabbed it for me.
I looked up and just caught a glimpse of the silver pendant around his neck, swaying as he moved.
It was the birthday present I'd given him when he turned eighteen.
Ryan always teased me about how childish it was, but he still wore it every day.
"Your folks didn't come with you?" Ryan asked.
"They're busy. Couldn't make it," I replied.
I lied.
I'd actually told them not to come.
It was the first day of school.
I just wanted to be alone with Ryan.
I couldn't take my eyes off the back of his head, my heart thumping harder with every step.
Ryan actually flew home before finals just to make a bet with me.
He said if I got into his college, he'd do anything I asked.
He promised anything.
That promise was like our secret code.
I worked my ass off for it.
And at that moment, I was finally back by his side.
I was zoning out, so I barely noticed when Ryan suddenly stopped ahead of me.
He turned around and reached out to mess up my hair.
He flashed me a mischievous grin.
"Not bad, your score didn't make me look bad," he said, a hint of teasing in his voice.
*****
I got to the dorm before anyone else.
Ryan was leaning against my desk.
He just stood there, arms crossed, just watching me stumble all over myself as I tried to make the bed.
Ryan clicked his tongue. "Your sheets are a mess. It looks just like the expression on your face right now."
I felt my face heat up, and I was about to snap back at him.
But he was already focused on my open suitcase.
I didn't have any secrets, so I wasn't bothered.
It wasn't until his long fingers started poking around in my clothes.
Then, out of nowhere, he snagged a light-colored bra strap.
Ryan turned his head to look at me.
That teasing smirk was on his lips, as usual.
"Emily, this size... Isn't this a bit too small for you?" he teased.
He dropped his voice, just for the two of us.
My face flushed so hard I thought my head would explode.
I lunged for it, trying to grab it back.
But he just raised his arm out of reach, dodging me effortlessly.
"You're still so easy to mess with..." Ryan laughed.
Before Ryan could finish, there was a faint sound at the door.
A girl in a white dress poked her head in, looking all nervous.
Her curly hair framed her big, clear eyes.
"Um, is this... Room 603?" she asked softly.
I froze.
Suddenly, Ryan's old joke from a few years back popped into my head. It was something he'd said while gaming with his buddies.
"My ideal type? She's gotta have long hair, big eyes, wearing a white dress, the kind who just shows up in my world out of the blue," he laughed.
The girl standing in front of me matched his description exactly, down to every last word.
There was a barely audible click beside me.
I glanced down.
My bra was lying on the floor.
Ryan had just let it drop.
He was frozen, staring at the girl in the doorway, completely stunned.
I quickly snatched up my bra and stuffed it back into my suitcase.
Before I could say a word, Ryan spoke up.
His voice had a rare note of seriousness.
"Yeah, this is 603," he said.
He paused for a second.
"I'm helping my sister move her stuff in. You live here, too?" he asked.
He'd never called me his sister in front of anyone else before.
My heart suddenly dropped.
It felt like I'd just fallen into a cold well on a hot summer day.
Her eyes brightened just a bit.
She gave me a shy smile.
"I guess we'll be living together for a few years," she said softly.
"Hi, I'm Sophie Lane," she added.
*****
Sophie showed up alone, too.
Ryan was all over the place, hauling her luggage back and forth.
She was so tiny.
He even made her bed for her without a second thought.
They'd only just met half an hour ago.
But it was like they were instantly best friends, hitting it off right away.
I turned away and started unpacking my things in silence.
Inside, I just felt lost and kind of hollow.
I had no idea how things had ended up like this.
I was finally at the same school as Ryan.
I should've been happy on my first day.
Ryan's voice came from behind me. "Why so quiet?"
I just kept silent, refusing to acknowledge him, my heart still tangled up inside.
He reached out and poked my cheek. "Are you mad?"
I turned around, finally meeting his eyes, trying to hide the mess of feelings swirling inside me.
Sophie's bed was perfectly made, but she wasn't there.
"She stepped out to call her parents and let them know she's okay. She's such a sweetheart," Ryan said.
Ryan glanced over at her bed, then explained to me.
My chest felt tight, like I couldn't breathe or let it go.
I was just about to ask if that promise he made to me still meant anything.
But then Ryan wiped that lazy grin off his face.
His eyes lit up in a way I'd never seen before.
He said, "Emily.
"I like her."
*****
I wasn't brave.
I'd been secretly into Ryan for years, but I never dared to say anything.
I'd been stuck in the childhood friend zone for way too long.
I knew I wasn't the girl who'd suddenly show up and change everything for Ryan.
So, I kept holding back.
Before finals, rumor had it Ryan was spending a lot of time with a girl at his school.
I guessed that day would finally come.
I figured my secret feelings for him were about to fade away for good.
But then Ryan found out and called me, just to clear things up.
He was all over the place, insisting it was just a misunderstanding.
Finally, Ryan asked me in a quiet voice, "Will you still try to get into my college? Please?"
My heart softened, but I lied and said I wasn't going to try.
But the very next afternoon, Ryan flew home and showed up at my door, ready to make that bet.
I thought my moment had finally come.
But in the end, it all slipped through my fingers.
Sophie came back in, her phone still in hand.
She had this calm, warm smile on her face.
Everything about her, her movements, her vibe, was totally different from mine.
"Let me treat you all to dinner tonight. My dad heard some classmates helped me settle in, and he insisted..." Sophie started, a little shy.
Noticing the sudden awkward silence, she glanced curiously at both Ryan and me.
Ryan didn't miss a beat and cut in with a grin, "No way I'm letting a freshman pay. I know a really good place for spicy food. Trust me, you'll love it."
Ryan took over the conversation smoothly, flashing that familiar, easygoing smile.
Sophie blushed, nodding quickly.
Then she turned to me.
"Emily, will you join us?" she asked, her big eyes full of hope.
"I..." I hesitated, words catching in my throat.
But Ryan jumped in before I could finish.
"Emily's got way too much new student stuff to handle tonight, and spicy food's basically her kryptonite," Ryan said.
He winked at me, making sure I caught his drift.
I took a breath, forcing myself to smile back at them, even though my stomach sank a little.
"Yeah, I'll skip it," I managed.
Really, he didn't need to say anything. He knew me too well.
The moment he mentioned spicy food, I already knew I couldn't go.
Chili practically sent me to the ER, and Ryan was the only one who never forgot.
*****
When Sophie came back, she was carrying two boxes of sliced fruit.
She handed them out to us.
"Come on, everyone, let's dig in," she said, her voice bright and cheerful.
Luna James, our roommate, was lounging on her bed with a face mask, egging everyone on.
"Did that hot guy buy these?" Luna teased, waggling her eyebrows.
Sophie's cheeks flushed as she mumbled a quiet yes.
Tina Moraros leaned in with a grin. "Wow, things are moving fast, huh?"
"Don't say that," Sophie blurted out, quickly grabbing my arm for emphasis.
Sophie clung to my arm, making sure everyone heard her.
"Ryan's just Emily's neighborly friend. We're just getting the perks because of her," she insisted.
Sophie was right next to me, practically leaning in.
I could pick up the subtle, familiar scent of her body wash.
It was Ryan's usual brand.
I'd agonized over choosing it for his birthday last year.
It was like a sting to the heart.
I gently pulled my arm away from hers, forcing a smile.
"You guys eat, I already brushed my teeth..." Emily said.
Before I could finish, Sophie bent down and fished a bottle of yogurt out of her bag, handing it to me.
She smiled, her eyes curving into little crescents.
"Ryan guessed you wouldn't want any fruit, so he told me to bring you this yogurt," she said.
I froze for a second, staring at the familiar packaging.
This was the same yogurt I'd been drinking since I was a kid.
There was this one time on a school trip. It was my first night ever away from home.
I was stuck in a strange room, and everything smelled weird.
Scared and homesick, I ended up crying under the covers in the middle of the night.
When Ryan found out, he snuck out quietly.
He went from shop to shop on those unfamiliar streets, asking around until he finally found it.
"I know you're homesick," he said.
He pressed the cold yogurt against my cheek.
He was still a little out of breath from running back.
But he was grinning, his eyes sparkling.
"Just hang in there a few more days, okay?" he whispered.
The hallway lights were dim and yellow that night.
The light scattered in his eyes, like stardust.
I held onto that memory for years.
At that moment, all I could do was accept the yogurt from Sophie and manage a weak, dry smile.
"Thanks," I managed, my voice barely above a whisper.
That was just how Ryan was, always impossible to figure out.
He'd be a total menace right out in the open, then out of nowhere, he'd do something so sweet it'd knock the wind out of me.
Sometimes I wish I could just quit having feelings for him.