Chapter 7
I sidestepped him and made my way toward the field.
He called out behind me, "Lily."
I didn't look back.
"Cut the act!" he shouted after me. "You really think I don't know? All those little notes in your desk, the diaries you write, the things you secretly slipped me. Did you really think I never saw any of it?"
I stopped in my tracks.
He caught up in a few long strides and blocked my way.
"That diary in your desk, the one with the heart on the cover," Ethan said. "You forgot to put it away, and Sophie found it.
"She told me you write in it every night, about how much you like me, and how you imagine me confessing my feelings to you."
The sunlight was so harsh that I could barely keep my eyes open.
"She also said you secretly snapped tons of pictures of me and stashed them in a hidden album on your phone." Ethan stared me down. "Why are you acting like you don't have feelings for me? You really think I haven't noticed?"
I looked at him.
I saw that look of triumph on his face, like he'd exposed all my secrets and was waiting for me to break.
"And then?" I asked.
He paused, looking confused. "What then?"
"You know everything," I said. "So what now?"
He didn't answer.
"You know I like you. You know all the dumb things I've done for you. You know my diary is basically all about you." I spelled it out for him. "So what did you actually do?"
His expression shifted.
"You turned me into a joke, made a fool out of me in front of everyone, and forced me to put on a show of being totally obsessed with you," I said.
"So this is how you treat someone who actually likes you, Ethan?"
His lips moved, but nothing came out.
"Did you ever even think about how I felt when you made me kneel like that?" I pressed.
"I..." he started, but his voice faded.
"Did you ever think about it?"
He didn't say a word.
The wind drifted over from the field, bringing the smell of grass and dirt.
All of a sudden, I was worn out.
"Forget it," I said. "It doesn't matter anymore."
I sidestepped him and kept moving forward.
This time, he didn't follow me.
That night, I dug out that diary, the one with the heart drawn on the cover.
I opened it to the first page.
It read: [September 1st. It's sunny.]
[School started today, and there's a new guy in our class. He's sitting two rows behind me, off to the side.]
[When he introduced himself, he said, "My name is Ethan Carter.]
When he spoke, his eyes were bright, like there were stars shining in them.
I flipped through the pages, one by one.
[October 12th. It's cloudy.]
[The test scores came out today, and he totally flunked math. I wanted to cheer him up, but I was worried it'd look too obvious.]
[So I secretly copied all his wrong answers and put together a notebook of his mistakes. I'll try to slip it to him tomorrow.]
[December 24th. Snow.]
[It's Christmas Eve, and I handed out gifts to everyone in class. Honestly, I really wanted to give one to him, but I was scared it'd be too obvious.]
[When he took the gift, he looked at me and said, "Thanks." Just that simple "thanks" was enough to make me happy for the whole winter.]
[March 7th. Sunny.]
[He twisted his ankle playing basketball today, so I went to the nurse's office to get him an ice pack. He looked at me and said, "Lily, why do I keep seeing you everywhere?"]
[My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I thought for sure he'd caught on. Later, I realized he was saying it without thinking.]
[June 18th. Sweltering heat.]
[Junior year's almost over, and soon we'll have to apply to universities. I have no clue which one he'll choose. I want to pick the same as him, but I'm afraid it'll be too obvious. Well, whatever he goes for, I'll follow.]
I flipped page after page.
Over the past three years, more than a thousand days, I wrote 137 diary entries.
I flipped to the last page.
I wrote it the night before April Fools' Day.
[March 31st. Sunny.]
I've decided. If he still doesn't talk to me tomorrow, I'm giving up.
[But I'm afraid that if I really let go, I'll never like someone this much again.]