Chapter 4
On the drive home, I keep the new rescue inhaler in my hand.
After more than twenty minutes, Caleb finally glances over. My thumb has been running along the edge of the plastic cap as if I need to make sure it is still there.
"You don't have to keep checking it. It's not going to disappear."
My fingers stop.
Three days ago, I thought the same thing.
The air inside the car turns heavy. Caleb tightens his grip on the steering wheel. He understands my silence, but he does not apologize.
"The hospital gave you a new one," he says after a moment. "You can't keep trapping yourself in what happened."
I turn toward the window.
We do not speak again for the rest of the drive.
By the time we get home, evening is settling in. The cups we left before the evacuation are still on the kitchen counter, a blanket hangs over the arm of the sofa, and my slippers are lined up by the entryway.
The house looks as though our life simply paused for three days and has been waiting for us to continue.
Caleb drops my discharge papers onto the counter and opens the refrigerator.
"We're having dinner at Megan's Saturday. Six."
I am still standing near the door with my coat on.
"I'm not going."
The refrigerator door stops halfway.
Caleb slowly turns. The irritation he has been holding back all afternoon finally shows on his face.
"Audrey, don't start this again. Megan already apologized. She was terrified that day. You don't need to keep punishing her."
"She didn't take my inhaler."
His expression shifts.
I hold his gaze.
"You did."
Caleb slams the refrigerator shut.
"Because she could barely breathe."
"She doesn't have asthma."
"I know." His voice rises sharply. "She was panicking. You could still talk. You knew your symptoms and how to control your breathing. I had seconds to make a decision, Audrey. Of course I helped the person who looked worse."
My chest tightens.
It was the same explanation at the hospital.
The same explanation in the car.
And now, back in our own kitchen, it is still the same.
"When the firefighters found me, I didn't have my rescue inhaler."
Caleb's mouth moves. He watches me for a moment, searching for something that will finally end the argument.
Then he says it.
"But they did find you."
The kitchen goes silent.
The refrigerator hums behind him. His chest is still moving from the argument, but suddenly I am not even angry anymore.
I understand.
Because I survived, his decision was not serious enough.
Because I managed, I could still be the person left until last.
I look at him for several seconds, then turn toward the bedroom.
"Audrey."
His footsteps follow quickly.
I do not stop.
I pull my suitcase from the top of the closet. It lands on the floor with a heavy thud, and for the first time, Caleb's anger gives way to surprise.
I pack my documents, laptop, several changes of clothes, then open the nightstand and place both backup inhalers and the new one into my medication bag.
"What are you doing?"
"Moving out."
His expression changes completely.
"What?"
"I already rented an apartment."
Caleb crosses the room and plants one hand on the open suitcase.
"You were discharged today. You're not thinking clearly."
I do not argue.
I push his hand away from the suitcase and keep packing.
He stays beside me, his voice growing tighter as he says sixteen years of marriage cannot end over one bad decision in an emergency. He says I am turning one wildfire into a judgment on our entire marriage and that once I calm down, I will understand how impulsive this is.
I do not answer any of it.
I have already said enough.
My hands are still trembling slightly when I zip the medication bag. I place it at the top of the suitcase, where I can reach it immediately.
Then I notice my wedding ring.
Caleb's watch is lying beside the jewelry tray.
I slide the ring off. A pale band remains around my finger as I place it beside his watch with a soft click.
Caleb stops talking.
His breathing changes behind me.
"Audrey."
I close the suitcase.
He steps forward and blocks the bedroom doorway, one hand braced against the frame as though standing there can still stop this from happening.
"Don't take this that far."
I look at him.
"Move."
His face darkens.
My phone vibrates.
The name of the law firm lights up the screen.
[Your consultation has been confirmed.]
Caleb sees it.
His entire body stills.
"You called a lawyer?"
I turn off the screen.
"Audrey."
I take hold of my suitcase.
For several seconds, neither of us moves.
Then Caleb steps aside.
At the entryway, I remove the spare key from my key ring and place it on the cabinet.
Caleb follows me into the living room but stops several feet away. His face has gone cold again, as if anger is easier than believing I might actually leave.
The suitcase rolls over the threshold.
Behind me, he finally speaks.
"You'll come back."
It is not a question.
I look at him once.
He still thinks this is something I will calm down from.
Something a night's sleep will fix.
I close the door without answering.
Before the elevator reaches the lobby, my phone vibrates again.
Caleb.
[Take some time. We'll talk when you've calmed down.]
I stare at the message.
No apology.
No question about what I want.
He has already decided what happens next.
I slide the phone into my bag beside the law firm's confirmation.
Upstairs, Caleb still believes I am coming back.
For the first time in sixteen years, I am making plans he knows nothing about.