Chapter 2
Ethan feels like a complete asshole, all of a sudden.
There's just been too much going on to even think about Derek's mystery girlfriend.
"Shit, I should probably, like, call her, or something?
I don't know this girl at all, but Derek's been obsessed with her for years.
If she was watching the game, she would have seen him get hurt."
"You don't need to call her," Volkov says, and when Ethan glances at him, he still looks fucking miserable but now he's rolling his eyes, a much more familiar expression of disdain on his face.
"She's sitting right here."
It takes Ethan less than a second to understand.
And then it takes him another five seconds to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth.
And then he decides he can't fucking believe it.
"No.
Nope.
No fucking way."
"Yes.
Sorry, but is true."
"But no it's not.
There's just no way.
He's been texting her for— I mean, he's been, it's been— years.
Years?"
"Mmm.
Since rookie year, yes."
"No fucking way."
"I am Violet, he is Evan, we have secret sex fling right under everyone's noses.
Big scandal.
And now he is lying in hospital bed and he won't wake up and nobody in the fucking world knows that I even care about him.
And I can't leave the hospital until he wakes up because I can't breathe, I am so scared.
And now I out him to his best friend without his permission because I am selfish fucking asshole, but I need you to help me, I need someone to tell me what's going on and you're the one who's here.
There are about ten thousand different things he wants to say, and the one that manages to get out of his mouth first is— "Derek's gay?"
Volkov snaps his head over to make eye contact with him, a blazing look of fury taking over his face.
"If you have problem with that, then you and I have big big problem, understand?
I will throw your body in a dumpster when I am done with you, I don't care, I am scary Ukrainian, I have ways."
Ethan thinks the last part is probably some sort of weird joke, but the overall threat is certainly sincere.
God, the fucking nerve of this prick.
"I don't care that he's— I mean, Jesus, man, he's my best friend, I wouldn't, I don't have a problem with anything like that.
No way."
"Good.
Derek loves you very much.
I can't say I understand why."
"Fuck you."
"Maybe that is why you are friends, this is his favorite thing to say to me too.
Such uncreative insults, so boring."
"I just can't believe I didn't know.
That he didn't tell me."
"About being gay?
Or about me."
"Both?
Mostly the gay thing.
I mean, not trying to be a dick when I say this but I'm judging him a hell of a lot more for his specific choice of man, more than the general category."
Volkov tilts his head at him for a second, as if it's taking him a moment to understand Ethan's clumsy English.
"Ah.
Gay is fine, but me, I'm bad choice."
"He could do better, is all I'm saying."
He'd meant it mostly as a joke, some way to release the pressure of this fucking insane conversation, some way to keep his wheels spinning while he tries to catch up to all this new information.
But Volkov doesn't keep the banter going.
Volkov frowns, and says, "yes.
Obviously."
And then his face crumples a bit, and he covers his eyes with his hands, heels pressing into the sockets like he's trying to push tears back before they can leak out.
He looks exhausted, he looks scared.
Like a man whose partner is in the fucking hospital.
Ethan tries to imagine how he'd be feeling if Sophie had collapsed to the ground in front of him and then hadn't woken up again.
Just to picture it makes his skin go cold.
And he doesn't even need to imagine Volkov's fear, when it comes down to it.
He loves Derek too.
He's already more afraid than he's ever been.
"Hey," he says, and he's slipped into the cajoling, comforting tone he uses on his kids when they're tired and weepy.
"Hey, it's uh— it's going to be okay."
"Will it?" Volkov says.
Fuck, he's definitely crying.
"Will he be okay?"
"They don't know for sure," Ethan says honestly, and Volkov sniffs, hands still over his face.
"But they're hoping he wakes up on his own soon.
Head injuries are— tricky, I guess."
"That's it?
We are just waiting to see?"
"Yeah.
Sorry, I know it's...
I know it's not much."
"I can't fucking do this," Volkov says, voice croaking out like the words are a painful confession.
"It will kill me, I can't lose him like this."
"Tell me about him," Ethan says, unthinkingly.
"I mean, tell me— fuck, tell me how this happened.
Take both our minds off of worrying."
"Is supposed to be secret," Volkov says.
"Well, obviously.
But.
Cat's out of the bag."
Volkov finally lifts his hands away from his face and looks at him, quizzical.
"Is stupid English expression?"
"Oh.
Yeah, I guess.
It means, like, it's too late now so might as well keep going.
I already know the biggest thing.
What's the harm in telling me the details?"
Volkov's mouth twitches like he's trying to smile.
"You sure you want to know details, Cole?"
"Not those kinds of details!
You fucking weirdo!
I'm just, I'm— I know it's not the main point here but if I'm honest with you my feelings are pretty hurt that Derek didn't trust me enough to tell me this crazy thing was going on."
"We both pretended, a lot, that it's nothing," Volkov says.
"Even to each other, to ourselves, maybe?
Is— not easy to explain.
I can't speak for him.
But we, when we talked to each other or made plans to see each other, we never— there was never a promise it would happen again, next time.
Was always something we did because it was fun, and to talk more about it, to say it meant something, was breaking a rule.
We have not been, it is not like, secret relationship, really.
Maybe recently, a bit more like that, but— but we haven't even said, to each other, what this is supposed to be.
He didn't keep it from you because he doesn't trust you."
"If you're trying to sell me on this being some casual thing, you're doing a bad job of it."
"I tried so hard for it to be casual.
But it is not.
Casual.
Not to me."
"Not to him either," Ethan says with confidence.
"Derek doesn't do casual.
I remember when I was first getting to know him, I actually thought maybe he was gay, because he never paid any attention to the girls throwing themselves at him.
But then I caught him smiling at his phone like an idiot, and he's been just, obviously and completely obsessed with the same person for the last five years, at least.
I guess longer, if it's really been since rookie year.
And I thought it just meant he was private, and romantic, and... and conventional.
I sort of thought maybe Violet was like, married or something?
Couldn't understand why else he'd be this secretive about it with me."
"He is not good at knowing how he feels," Volkov says.
"He is scared, a lot.
Doesn't know how to deal."
"And you?"
"He's the scariest thing that's ever happened," Volkov says flatly.
"We are both so, so bad at this."
"Maybe," Ethan says.
"But for the record, whether he's told you so or not, it's definitely not casual for him.
He was so fucked up, earlier this season.
He was miserable, and he thought he was hiding it, which was the saddest part of all."
"Miserable," Volkov repeats, frowning.
"When?"
"I mean, I wasn't sure what had happened because he refused to talk to me about it, big surprise, but I sort of figured he and Violet had broken up, and then suddenly he started going out with—" Ethan pauses, suddenly embarrassed.
"Claire Dupont.
Yes.
I have the internet, is not news to me."
"So, what, you guys broke up and he rebounds with the most public person he possibly could have chosen to date?"
"Public girl," Volkov says darkly.
"They were not compatible."
"Well, yeah, that's apparently an understatement."
Volkov gives him a glare, but it seems a little half-hearted.
"He was miserable?
Miserable, with Claire Dupont?"
"Oh my god," Ethan says, and he finds himself actually on the verge of laughter.
This is so weird.
"Look at you, asking me for reassurance."
"Fuck off."
"For the record, yeah.
I think he was totally heartbroken.
Did you break up with him or something?"
"No," Volkov says, the glare intensifying.
"Other way around, if anything.
He was being idiot, I was probably idiot too.
We fixed it.
And wasn't a breakup.
You have to be in a relationship with someone for there to be a breakup."
"And you're not in a relationship?"
"We can't be."