Chapter 1
Ryan Lake, my husband, Ethan Shaw's closest friend, had flown home for a visit. Ethan and I took our daughter to meet him at the airport.
While Ethan stepped away to handle the paperwork, Ryan turned to me with a smile.
Ryan said, "He really loves you, you know."
Warmth bloomed in my chest, unexpected and sweet.
And then he reached into the gap beside the passenger seat and pulled out a crumpled pastry bag.
"Ethan's a total neat freak. He never lets anyone eat in here." He laughed, shaking his head. "You're the first exception I've ever seen."
My smile froze because I knew that bag wasn't mine.
Ethan was perfect in every way, except for his compulsive cleanliness.
No food in the vehicle. Separate dishes, separate cups. I wasn't even allowed to use his.
Ryan's words left me thinking.
*****
On the way home, I half-listened to Ryan and Ethan chatting.
"Hey, you know, Ethan was always the model kid growing up, but you probably never knew. Back in middle school, he used to skip classes all the time," Ryan said.
"He even got himself into trouble fighting and ended up at the police station," Ryan added.
Through Ryan's scattered stories, I discovered a more spirited, vivid side of Ethan I'd never seen before.
When I looked at Ethan, I couldn't help but notice a hint of sadness in his eyes.
I could feel that uneasy feeling inside me getting stronger and stronger.
When we got home that night, Ethan shut himself away in his study.
I kept cleaning the house, forcing myself not to think about that pastry bag from this morning.
But while I was doing the laundry, I found myself pulling out the very same bag I'd spotted in Ethan's car earlier that day.
Only this time, it was all cut up into tiny pieces.
Curiosity was bubbling up inside me. I couldn't figure out what would make someone as much of a neat freak as Ethan stash a greasy bag in his pocket.
While Ethan was in the shower, I took the chance to slip into his study.
The study was just as spotless as always.
But today, for the first time, the drawer that was always locked was left open.
A pink notebook was sticking out from the gap, completely out of place in this room of black, white, and gray.
I was stunned for a moment, and then slowly opened it.
What greeted me was Ethan's unmistakable handwriting and a photo of some girl I'd never seen before.
[2008/11/10 Today, Monica and I both ate from the same ice cream bar. It tasted so sweet, like the moment itself.]
[2008/12/8 Skipped class for the first time and went to the movie with Monica. It was such a rush.]
[2009/1/1 The fireworks were stunning, but honestly, Monica, you were the real showstopper tonight.]
[2009/3/13 Got into a fight and ended up at the police station. Damn, it hurt like hell, but Monica was so worried about me. Seeing her care made it totally worth it.]
As I went through every single word, my hands couldn't stop trembling.
[Monica, you're free to live your life however you want. Whenever you come back, I'll always be your safe haven.]
[I love you, Monica. I really wish I could be the one to marry you.]
[I ran into a girl who really looks like you.]
[Monica, I'm getting married.]
I thought the diary would end there, but as I kept reading, the shock hit me so hard it felt like my heart was about to burst.
It was like someone had their fist clenched around my heart, squeezing tight.
[2016/6/11 Seeing you again made me so happy. You're still gorgeous and obsessed with sweets. Watching you munch on desserts right next to me made my day. I wish this moment could last forever.]
Ethan even snipped out the shop's logo and stuck it right there at the bottom of the page.
At that moment, it was like all the energy had been sucked right out of me.
I forced myself to keep it together and walked out of the study in a daze, barely feeling anything.
I kept chugging ice water. I was so rattled that I didn't even notice I was using Ethan's cup.
Ethan came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. When he saw me drinking from his cup, his face instantly showed annoyance.
"Olivia, that's not your cup," he said.
I lowered my head and forced a bitter smile. "Even after all these years together, I still can't use your cup?"
My gaze was full of longing. I was desperately hoping he'd finally bend his rules for me.
If he could just let this slide, just this once, for our family and for our child, I'd be willing to give him another chance.
After a long silence, Ethan let out a deep breath and gently ran his hand through my hair, trying to comfort me. "Olivia, what's wrong? Isn't this how it's always been, all these years?"
Watching him stick to his rules yet again, I felt something inside me collapse.
To outsiders, we looked like the perfect, loving couple, but it was all just a facade he created.
I'd never truly been a part of his heart.
My knuckles turned white as I gripped the glass, and as I loosened my grip, it smashed on the floor.
"Ethan, you can't stand me using your cup, but you were fine sharing a single ice cream cone with Monica Fields and letting her eat in your car. You're not a neat freak. You just don't love me," I said, my voice trembling with pain.