Chapter 1
On the fourth anniversary of our kid's death, my husband, Nolan Pierce, said he'd go with me to visit the grave.
I felt bad for him, knowing he'd been running himself ragged with military drills, so I took the initiative to drive to pick him up.
But when I turned on the car's navigation system, I was stunned.
There were two addresses pinned as "Home."
One was my home, the military compound. Another one was Mirror Lake, Villa 8.
The time it was pinned was four years ago.
*****
My phone buzzed. It was a message from Nolan.
Nolan: [I've got military duties. Let's go next year.]
Outside the window, his military Humvee sped past with a roar.
When I finally came to, I found myself parked at the entrance of the villa area.
Mirror Lake was the city's most secretive, high-end neighborhood. I didn't remember Nolan having any real estate here.
The guard said, "You're looking for Nolan? And you're his wife? You must be joking. Everyone knows Nolan and his wife are crazy about each other.
"They have lived here for five or six years. You shouldn't ruin their family."
It felt like someone had stabbed me right in the chest. My hands shook so badly I could barely hold my phone. I stiffly pulled up a photo of our marriage certificate to prove myself.
The guard looked at me with a mix of confusion and pity, but finally just shook his head.
I didn't want to make things hard for him, so while he turned around, I snuck inside.
There was a row of low bushes along the wall, and peeking through the iron fence, I could see the garden inside.
I ran along the wall for about 0.3 miles. Then I stopped.
There it was, a familiar military Humvee, the one with the special military plates. On the lawn, a huge blue camouflage balloon arch towered over the grass.
A banner read, "Happy 4th Birthday, Jonas."
Four years old today. If my kid had lived, he'd be turning four today, too.
During that ten-minute drive, I thought a lot.
I wonder if he was just giving a ride to a buddy, maybe he was planning some surprise for me, or maybe he was on a secret mission, keeping it under wraps, even from me.
Nolan wouldn't lie to me, especially not on the anniversary of our kid's passing.
After all, we used to love each other so much. I didn't want to misunderstand him.
But at this moment, the truth hit me like a bullet, shattering everything I thought I knew.
The sound of a kid's laughter drifted out from the yard.
There was a long table on the lawn, lined with cake, gifts, and model military knives.
Nolan was crouched on the lawn, holding a little boy in his arms.
The boy wore a tiny camouflage suit, cheeks puffed out as he got ready to blow out the candles on the cake.
A woman standing next to them, with long hair draped over her shoulders, dressed in a white dress, clapping and cheering the boy on, her smile radiant. "One, two, three..."
My nails dug into my palms.
Today was the fourth anniversary of my kid's death.
But Nolan was here with another kid on his fourth birthday.
"Jonas, you're the best!" the woman said.
The woman bent down and kissed the boy's cheek.
Nolan hugged the boy, grinning so wide his eyes turned into crescents.
I hadn't seen that kind of smile on his face in a long time.
"Daddy, I made a wish," the boy said as he tilted his head up at Nolan, his voice soft and sweet.
"What did you wish for?" Nolan asked.
The boy replied, "I want Mommy and Daddy to always be with me."
Nolan kissed him on the forehead and said, "I promise you."
Daddy. I could hear my own breathing, harsh and ragged, like someone gasping for air after nearly drowning.
My hands were shaking. My gut told me to storm in, flip that table, and demand if he even remembered what our kid meant to him.
But I didn't move. Because I knew Nolan inside out.
If I were to rush in now, he'd have a thousand explanations lined up for me.
He'd say, "You've got it all wrong. She's the widow of a fellow soldier. The kid is here under military foster care."
He'd have many excuses ready, making me look like I'm just being unreasonable.
I took out my phone. My hands were still shaking, but the camera stayed steady.
I aimed it at the garden, snapping six photos, then recorded a short video.
Nolan smeared some cream on the boy's nose, making him giggle. The woman leaned over to wipe the kid's face.
A family of three. I hit stop.
My phone buzzed. It was a message from Nolan.
Nolan: [Clara, don't wait up for me. I might be out all night with military drills. Make sure you eat well and get some rest.]
All night long. That was right. With a beautiful evening and his perfect family, of course, he'd want to stay up all night.
My hands and feet went ice-cold, my stomach twisted into knots. I dropped to my knees by the roadside, retching until I could barely see straight.
When I turned around and walked back, I didn't cry.
But my legs were so weak I could barely stand.
Once I got out of the lane, I called a taxi.
Sitting in the back seat, I buried my face in my palms, my eyes stinging from how dry they were.
After taking a deep breath, I called my bestie, Peyton Reese.
I asked, "Peyton, are you free right now?"