Chapter 5

After I got together with Thomas, I didn't dare tell my father or my brother.

I just couldn't say it out loud, and I was sure they wouldn't accept it.

For a long time, I was both excited and uneasy.

Thomas leaned in, pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead, and whispered, "Nina, if you want to keep this just between us, that's perfectly fine."

I thought Thomas was being considerate, doing what I wanted.

But two years into our relationship, my brother was killed in action at the border.

Along with his ashes, they brought back his last words. "Everyone dies eventually. It's just a shame I never got to see my little sister's wedding."

Ever since I was born, my brother was always there for me.

When I was learning to talk, he taught me to call him "brother" for the very first time.

He held my hand as I took my first steps.

For more than twenty years, not a single day went by without him looking out for me.

The sudden, crushing pain of losing him made me black out more than once, too broken to even shed a sound.

Days after his passing, once his ashes were laid to rest, I finally began to replay his last words. They echoed in my ears and haunted my dreams, over and over again.

I went to Thomas and, for the first time, told him I wanted to make our relationship official and get married.

I said, "After we're married, I want to bring our marriage certificate to my brother's grave and let him see it."

I had someone I loved, and he loved me too.

I had someone to lean on for the rest of my life, so my brother could rest in peace.

I always thought that as long as I wanted it, Thomas would jump at the chance to marry me.

But instead, he looked away and said, "Nina, things have been really busy at the base lately. Marriage is a big deal. We can't just rush it."

I waited for him to finish up, day after day, month after month.

Night after night, I saw his face in my dreams, lingering with helpless regret and endless worry for me before his final breath.

Then, a new intern teacher named Grace showed up at school.

Thomas said she was his childhood friend, so he felt obligated to take extra care of her.

He started leaving me behind, bending over backwards to help her with everything.

He handled her paperwork, found her a place to stay, and even took care of all the little things in her daily life.

When it came to marrying me, Thomas always put it off, telling me, "Not yet. Let's wait a little longer." It felt like he'd never really meant to make it happen.

The girls in my dorm were gossiping, "Did you hear? Ms. Lane's got herself a soldier boyfriend.

"They've been flirting under the locust tree outside the north gate for a while now."

I couldn't help but think of Thomas.

I realized I didn't trust him as I used to, and I couldn't even remember when that started.

I rushed to the north gate and saw Grace, looking heartbreakingly fragile, tears streaming down her face as she leaned into Thomas' arms, sobbing.

Thomas was gently patting her back, whispering softly to comfort her.

But the moment he saw me, he almost panicked, quickly pushing her away, looking completely rattled.

After that, we argued constantly or gave each other the cold shoulder.

Over Grace, over his refusal to marry, over my dawning realization that he didn't love me as much as I'd thought.

It suddenly dawned on me that he'd been lying to me all along.

He probably never planned to have a future with me.

And honestly, I should've ended things with him a long time ago.